Where did the love go? Partnership wilts under the stress of married life

Jane and Peter came to me for counselling to try and save their failing marriage. 'He doesn't love me any more,' Jane told me. 'All he wants to do is work, work, work. I am the only one taking care of the kids. He doesn't want to be involved in family activities.

'He is not interested in me as he used to be before we were married. We used to have regular quality and romantic time. But now we don't even have a night when we go out to dinner together. Maybe we should divorce if there is no more love.'

Peter told me: 'She is always critical and angry. I can't deal with her accusations any more, or the fact that she blames me for everything. I need to work full time to support the family, otherwise how could she afford to be a stay-at-home mum? She doesn't understand that I would rather spend more time with the family, but I just don't have a choice. Maybe we really should divorce if nothing changes after counselling.'

When they got together eight years ago, Jane was a competitive 30-year-old woman with a degree in business from a prestigious university in the United States. After they married, Jane sacrificed her career to stay at home and look after their two children, although she often felt bored and unfulfilled. Peter is introverted and highly educated. He works as an information technology engineer. He often travels for work, and his absence, coupled with the duties of raising the children, means that both feel the other no longer loves them.

I tried to reassure them by saying that many people find that the relationship suffers after they marry and have children. Many gradually see divorce as the only option. But in many cases, the love and intimacy in marriage improves over time, particularly once the children have become young adults.

Partners can feel neglected for many reasons - not always because they feel their partners do not love them. Peter was preoccupied by having to support his father after losing his mother. A very strong emotional bond existed between them.

Peter was also concerned about the possibility of his company downsizing. He worried about how he would finance his son's education at an international school if that happened. He was depressed and anxious. He had a poor appetite, didn't sleep well and had a low sex drive. He became withdrawn emotionally from his wife.