How to keep parenting, after divorce

Kathleen and Rick recently separated after 14 years of marriage. Both had initially thought it would be better to stay together for the sake of their children, Alan, seven, and Rebecca, 13. But their constant arguments have had a detrimental effect on the youngsters. Rebecca seems emotionally and physically drained. She's not sleeping well and doesn't eat much. Alan is afraid that it is his fault that his parents are not together. This is affecting his schoolwork and he cries frequently.

How children respond to their parents' separation or divorce varies according to their age. Children under five years old experience feelings of abandonment and often become clingy. Symptoms may include bedwetting, thumb sucking and hitting and biting others.

Slightly older children such as Alan often feel guilt and rejection and worry about the loss of the parent who will not be living at home anymore. They may have loyalty issues and feel torn between their parents.

Their feelings of anger, grief and loneliness can manifest in physical symptoms. Children might complain of headaches and sore stomachs. A sense of powerlessnes can sometimes cause them to act out - stealing, telling lies, or rebelling in other ways.

Rebecca is becoming an adolescent, a time of sexual awakening when a firm family structure is needed to set limits on behaviour. But parents who are tied up in the stressful process of a divorce can forget to attend to the needs of their teenager. The adolescent can feel under pressure to take care of the rest of the family. For instance, Rebecca feels she has to look after her younger brother as her family is falling apart. 'Mum and dad are always off at meetings with lawyers or working. Everything seemed fine and now this, I have so much on my plate with school and exams, I can't cope.'

Because divorce can often come out of the blue for children, it is important to communicate with them about what is happening. They go through stages, and the first stage is denial and disbelief, which can get worse if it's not talked about openly.