Typhoon tips for bank robbery hobbyists
THIS week has been particularly productive for quotes which illustrate the quirks and irregularities of life in Hong Kong.
Security consultant Frank Knight was asked about the idea of using helicopters to transport cash from Macau to Hong Kong to stop another jetfoil hijack.
His answer, unfortunately, simply provided would-be crooks with all they need for a similar heist.
'Helicopters are just not reliable because they depend upon good weather,' he said.
'If they can't fly, people will be left standing around with lots of cash.' This comment was made just as we are settling down for the typhoon season.
Discussions are underway on the subject of euthanasia legislation.
Asked to comment, Dr Huang Chen-ya said strict guidelines were necessary to ensure doctors don't have a chance to 'bury their mistakes'.
Two top students studied their way to success and attained amazing examination results. One of the students was asked what she thought of the other student and why she was so successful. She replied the other student was 'clever and active and omnipotent'.
Reacting to the three-day ban by Canto-pop stars on press coverage, Baptist University Department of Journalism head John Herbert cut to the heart of the matter by saying: 'Artists need publicity. Who are they hurting? They are hurting themselves.' A couple of days later, the artists obviously realised the truth of what he was saying and put out an official statement heavy with sycophancy which said: 'We have lost three days of promotion opportunities. The artists respect press freedom and expect to be respected by the press. We do not want to lose our dear friends in the media.' An indication of the real pace of reform and its downside in China was given in an article on the tourist resort of Shangchaun Dao, which has become a Mecca for those in search of entertainment of the venal kind.
A Western visitor said: 'It's the world's wildest resort. I have not seen anything like it even in Thailand and the Philippines.' Commenting on the revelation that the Independent Commission Against Corruption is facing an exodus of staff, commission top man Bertie de Speville said: 'They are all planned departures.' In a statement that should send shivers down the spines of right-thinking people, a spokesman for Russian President Boris Yeltsin, whose love of vodka has become a matter of record and who was taken into hospital this week, said: 'The nuclear button is with him in the Central Clinic Hospital.' Governor Chris Patten, reacting to a motion to have him take on a role akin to the Queen in England said: 'In all our recent experience, it rains quite enough in Hong Kong without my reigning too.' Cool wethers SMOKIN' news has reached us from Rio de Janeiro's daily newspaper O Globo .
Three ravenous sheep and a cow have died from an overdose of marijuana after a farmhand fed them what he thought was dried alfalfa.
A farm hand, Paulo Sergio Goulart, told police he found the fodder bundled in packets on the farmer's porch. With no pun intended, he said: 'There's so little grass near here right now, I gave the bovines these bundles of what seemed to be dried alfalfa.
'The animals were so famished they devoured even the packaging.' He said the cow, which is called Beico and is from Denmark, 'couldn't stand up and mooed without any apparent reason'. The sheep were unavailable for comment, but were later found sitting in a darkened room listening to Pink Floyd and eating Bombay Mix.
Cataclysm MORE worrying animal news from the USA, where a duo of vigilante cats have been terrorising local residents, making the life of a fox terrier named Walter a living hell.
One human male victim was preparing to water his lawn when one cat slunk from the shrubbery, jumped him, and raked his arm with its claws. His wife said it chased him but tired after several blocks.
Walter, out for a walk with his owner, fell victim to a small grey cat.
'It was walking down Greenwood Avenue. Then, all of a sudden, it was on my dog's head, like some kind of alien,' Walter's owner said. She said it wrapped its front legs around Walter's neck and its hind legs around his stomach and bit and clawed. Walter dislodged it by banging his head against a guardrail, she said.
The victims, we are informed, are all feline fine and have joined a catalepsy support group.
Need to know GLOSSY magazine Marie Claire points out worrying insights into the US political system.
A Washington pressure group called Tax-Off has asked why the US government has allocated US$47,000 to discover if pregnant fleas can hop as far as non-pregnant ones.
The government has spent $37,000 to learn how many eyelashes the average human sheds daily, and $21,743 to find out which sort of prostitutes have more clients - blondes or brunettes.
Potentially most significant of all, it has spent $204,098 to commission a telephone survey to establish if phone surveys work.