Engineering a floral proposal

MANDY Hemmings, 28, was relaxing on Sunday afternoon at her Happy Valley flat, dreaming about her far-away boyfriend Simon. Engineer Simon Rooke, also 28, is deep in the jungles of Malaysia, building the Pergau hydroelectric dam.

The phone rang. On the line was the Grand Hyatt florist, acting as an agent for Interflora. The florist said the shop had been trying to deliver flowers to her for some days without success.

Mandy, who works for the Hong Kong office of BBC Worldwide magazine, suggested that the flowers be delivered the following day.

'Would you like to know the message?' asked the florist.

Mandy thought it could wait, but the caller was quite insistent.

'I think you should - it is really rather important,' she urged.

'OK,' said Mandy, becoming curious.

The message was: 'Will you marry me?' Now that's Hong Kong efficiency for you. Love delivered, proposals made, the course of young lives changed - at no extra charge.

IT came to my attention yesterday that the British shoemaker, K Shoes, has started advertising widely in Hong Kong's MTR system. Its slogan is: 'K Shoes. Designed to fit like a glove.' Have they thought this through? THERE has been a drop in the number of full-term pregnant women from China dashing into Hong Kong to drop their sprogs on this side of the border, I hear.

This is apparently due to the good works of the 'pregnancy patrol', a group of Shenzhen police whose job it is to intercept these ladies. What wouldn't I give to eavesdrop on their conversations? 'Me, pregnant? Mo ah. I just ate a lot of mooncake this season.' 'Why you waddling then?' 'Er. New shoes. Aiyeeah, very tight.' 'So why has your bulge got a kicking motion in it?' 'Er, my heartbeat.' 'Bit low, isn't it?' 'I got poor posture.' CONSTRUCTION specialist John Patten of Lantau received two strange phone calls on the same day, one from England and one from New Zealand. Both callers referred to him as Chris.

'I think you may have got the wrong man,' said John.

'You are the Governor, aren't you?' asked the New Zealander.

John, who is a building site foreman, replied: 'Well, some people call me that.' One was a reverse charge call, so John is sending the bill to Government House.

If someone called Li Peng rings you up, don't offer him a job on the site, will you, John? STRANGE mutterings of doom have been leaking from the offices of Metro Broadcasting in the Hunghom shopping centre in Kowloon. The budget-cutting axe is falling again - but among top-paid people this time. Big name Western heads are allegedly on the block.

Westerners are definitely having a tougher time in the job market these days.

Cue joke: What do you say to a gweilo in a posh Lan Kwai Fong restaurant these days? Bring me the menu.

THE cover of the Governor's big annual speech to be revealed tomorrow is purple, a deep throat whispered down my phone yesterday. Surely he means Lavender? SEVERAL contributions have come in for our list of 'things you will never see together in Hong Kong'. Professor Judith Mackay suggests: 'Judith Mackay and a David Tang cigar - guaranteed.' From John Maxwell of Ap Lei Chau: a Hong Kong weathergirl and an elocution prize; a minibus driver and an 'advanced driving' award; a golfer and his wife.

From a reader in Kowloon Tong: a Nathan Road shopkeeper and a bargain; a tourist and a bargain; a tourist and a receipt.