Nothing cute about our finest

PUBLISHED : Wednesday, 11 October, 1995, 12:00am
UPDATED : Wednesday, 11 October, 1995, 12:00am

POLICE spokesman Eric Lockeyear has been shocked by the whole police nude-photo scandal. 'I would like to put on record that we are not changing our moniker from 'Asia's finest' to 'Asia's cutest',' he said.

The 2,000 confiscated pictures of Happy Valley policemen in rude poses are being kept under lock and key, in a bid to keep Hong Kong's marauding bands of reporters away from them.

Gorgeous, pouting Eric was surprised that any of his colleagues would have agreed to drop their regulation green strides: 'In the past, we have preferred to keep our shortcomings away from the public.' Aficionados of pictures of naked men have long felt shortchanged in Hong Kong, I hear.

At the Far East Media warehouse in Aberdeen, the main conduit for international magazines into Hong Kong, the rule against naked men is strictly enforced. 'If we see a picture of a male organ, we chop it off - the picture, I mean,' said boss Deepa Mirchandani yesterday.

Artistic books of naked men are allowed, however, and are a boom sector in book retailing.

Someone who knows about these things tells me that there are job-specific 'escort' services in Hong Kong, the best known being Fly Girls and Flight Attendants, both of which are listed in the Yellow Pages and claim to offer off-duty air stewardesses by the hour.

'I HAVE a difficult time with journalists,' Sir Percy Cradock told me last time he was in Hong Kong. 'I have even found them lurking in my garden.' At least they listen to him and report his comments as if they were worth listening to, which in my opinion they are not.

How does one locate Sir Percy's London house? It's the one with the rottweiler outside, putting up a sign saying: 'Beware of my master.' LINDSAY McAlister was at a press conference yesterday morning announcing that a major bank had agreed to sponsor the Hong Kong Youth Arts Festival: 'I'd like to introduce our major sponsor, the Hong Kong - er, Standard Chartered Community Foundation.' Genial Standard Chartered boss Ian Wilson smiled and ignored this teeny slip.

Cigar-chewer David Tang, who was in a curiously dazed state yesterday, revealed that he has volunteered to play a part in a performance with the children. At last, he has found people on the same mental plane.

FLYING at digital speed between countless fax machines in Hong Kong is this open letter to Jacques Chirac in the Franglais style originated by Miles Kington. It was written as a protest organised by an Australian restaurant.

Mon cher Jack, Je suis a bit fromaged off avec votre decision to blow up La Pacifique avec le Frog bombes nucleares. Je reckon vous must have un spot in La Belle France itself pour le explosions. Le Quay d'Orsay? Le Champs Elysees? Votre own back yard, peut etre? Frappez le crows avec stones, sport! La guerra cold est fini. Votre forces militaire need la bombe atomique about as beaucoup as poisson need la bicyclettes.

Un autre point, cobber. Votre histoire militaire isn't tres flash, consisting, n'est ce pas, of battailles the likes of Crecy, Agincourt, Poitiers, Trafalgar, Borodino, Waterloo et Dien Bien Phu. Un bombe won't change le tradition.

Je. Mon pere. Mon grand pere. Le cousin trois avec mon grandmere. La plume de ma tante, fought avec votre soldats against Le Boche in WWI (le Big Un). Avez-vous forgotten? Reconsider, mon ami, otherwise in le hotels et estaminets de l'Australie le curse anciens d'Angleterre - 'damnation to the French' - will be heard un autre temps. Votre chums don't want that.

LOVE the new U2 ad, which shows a sullen youth in blue jeans and the slogan: 'Be yourself.' I suggest they do a television version, featuring huge numbers of youths wearing blue jeans and chanting in union: 'We are being ourselves. We are being individuals.' Ingredients can be delivered to the Spice Trader by phoning 9028 0801 or faxing 2562 2485