Discreet club avoids red faces by shying away from limelight

PUBLISHED : Thursday, 29 February, 1996, 12:00am
UPDATED : Thursday, 29 February, 1996, 12:00am

ANYONE signed up for the Hong Kong Condoms of the Month Club? At first, I thought this was a spoof, but it seems quite serious.

A Hong Kong company called the Weldon Group will send you 12 condoms a month for a $56 monthly subscription.

'No more embarrassing trips to the neighbourhood store,' it says on the faxes they are sending around.

The whole thing seems to be set up to help bashful Hong Kongers who don't wish to queue up at Watson's, only to have the word 'contraceptives' light up on the screen-on-a-stalk thing that sticks out of the top of the cash register.

Every month the Weldon Group will select 12 colours, textures and thicknesses and send them to you in a discreet envelope. The company promises not to share its mailing list, so no one will ever know that you use the things.

Since I first mentioned the group, I've had broadcasters asking me how to contact them. But the company itself is as bashful as its customers, operating only from a PO Box number.

Why? Is it run by a Catholic priest or something? SIGN on the exit door of Tenway Department Store, Kunming, China, spotted by Simon Clennell: 'The next visit of yours will be better.' HONGKONG Telecom has just come out with a fancy new bill, I hear from John Crampton of Euromoney, who takes an interest in design issues. It's a nice-looking bill, but unfortunately it does not fit into the Payment Express Terminals that enable customers to pay bills by machine.

Which well-known Hong Kong firm is a major sponsor of the Payment Express Terminal? Stand up, Hongkong Telecom. I ENJOY the 'Friendship Link' section of this newspaper's classifieds.

So do Hong Kong newly weds Tim and Ann Roberts, of Clovelly Path, who were impressed by the enthusiasm of 'Chinese Girl, Sweet and Pretty' who 'seeks over 35 gentleman with good education'. 'How can she fit them all into her schedule?' asked Tim. SEEN at the Supreme Court yesterday: Robert Chua Wah-peng, chairman of China Entertainment TV, anxiously praying that lawyers decide not to select him for jury duty.

But what's this? The lawyers go off and huddle. At length, they return to tell Mr Chua and other people waiting that the case has been deferred. They can all go back to work - but must attend again on Friday.

Curses! Yet more billion-dollar deals down the tubes! The torture continues. LATIN eyebrows in Hong Kong were raised at a recent promotion by the Conrad Hotel describing a visiting chef as a Michelin 'star' winner.

Dr Marco Guerrini, a Hong Kong-based importer of upscale Italian foods, complained that the chef was a mere Michelin 'two forks' chef, lower down the ranks.

At this column's instigation, staff at the Conrad Hotel traced the chef, who had returned to Italy, and found their critic was correct.

'The error was made when the chef's bio was translated from Italian,' a spokeswoman said. Fortunately, diners could not detect the difference. The dishes were a sell-out. 'YOU called, sir?' 'Yes, Jeeves, I jolly well did. The God of butlers is in town again, what's his name?' 'Ivor Spencer, sir, proprietor of the school for butlers that bears his name in the UK.' 'The very man. Well, his native bearers have set him down at the Conrad Hotel in Hong Kong at this v. moment.

'He wants to open a school for butlers in this bally neighbourhood, to teach people how to, how to - dash it, Jeeves, what's the infinitive?' 'To buttle, sir.' 'To buttle, of course. The cove already has three butlers buttling for toffs in Honkers and fancies there may be room for more - Where are you rushing off to, Jeeves?' 'To phone the Conrad, sir, and see if I cannot find myself a better situation than my present one, in which I look after a wealthy imbecile, sir.' 'I say, steady on, Jeeves.' SHEILA Self, of Jardines' Lookout, spotted a potential problem after reading our report yesterday of Russians being paid for their work with Chinese bras instead of money.

'When one sees pictures of Russian women, well, they are really rather big, aren't they?' she said, delicately.

A less delicate reader said: 'It'll be like trying to carry melons in a handkerchief.' HEADLINE of an ad placed by voice therapists in Dollarsaver, spotted by Peter Stephens, of Realty Gardens: 'Healing Through Your Vice.' Sounds fun, doesn't it?