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Want to learn a thing or two? Ask the kids

Quiz: Which absentee sent the following note to whom? 'Couldn't attend yesterday because the chauffeur was ill.' Was it: (a) Chim Pui-chung to the President of Legco; (b) The Spice Trader to the editor of the South China Morning Post ; or (c) A child's mother to staff at a junior school on The Peak? Yes, the answer is (c), and it really happened. Kids these days live in a different world.

At Glenealy Primary School last week, teachers asked a group of five-year-old children to organise a drama scene. When Your Humble Narrator was a brat, this would have meant pretending to be bunnies. Not today. This lot organised a bank and did financial transactions among themselves.

This writer recalls being prevented from taking a slide rule into a maths exam 20 years ago. A few years later, there were debates about whether calculators should be allowed. Today in schools in Hong Kong and elsewhere, the debate is whether the little brats can take their Pentium laptops into the exam hall.

And remember those grubby exercise books filled with spidery handwriting and inkblots that we used to carry around? Dying out. My teacher wife regularly brings home her marking - computer-typed, laser-printed and illustrated with photographs scanned into the pages.

Copying is not a matter of meeting after school and transcribing the essays of the class swot. No, the little horrors send their work to each other's computers via modem, and then edit in a few 'mistakes' to cover their tracks.

Fortunately, today's youngsters are still kids at heart, as is revealed when they attempt to express themselves in their essays.

Dave Coniam of Chinese University has a wonderful list of real-life exam howlers, which is the latest version of collection originally started at the University of Manitoba. Excerpts: When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

H20 is hot water, and C02 is cold water.

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Young people attempting to pin down facts produce interesting results. But just wait until they attempt to produce metaphors.

These are a few of the winners of the 'worst analogies ever written in a high school essay' contest run by the Washington Post .

'From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7pm instead of 7.30.' (Roy Ashley, Washington).

'Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.' (Russell Beland, Springfield).

'Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\ aaakk/ch mistake.' (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills).

'He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.' (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase).

'Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field towards each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36pm travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph.' (Jennifer Hart, Arlington).

'John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.' (Russell Beland, Springfield).

'The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.' (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria).

'His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.' (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge).

'The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red Crayola crayon.' (Unknown).

One analogy which really reminds me of the kids to whom I've spoken at Island School: 'Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.' A youngster approached me earlier this week and said: 'I've just finished your book.' My smug smile turned to horror when I realised he wasn't talking about my book for children.

He was talking about one which features what American film reviewers like to call 'adult themes': kinkiness, bondage, prostitution and so on.

I asked him how old he was. 'I'll be 11 tomorrow,' he said, and gave me some impressive analysis of the story. It's not a bad idea to hang out with modern kids. One might learn something.

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