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SCMP Reporter

Fidelity Investments Hong Kong chairman Stuart Leckie said earlier this year he had resigned but would continue to be chairman until the end of December.

 He was duly quoted in Business Post as chairman. Then came a letter from the company saying he wasn't their chairman, but a mere consultant. Later came a phone call from the company, apologising and admitting that he was still chairman.

 It must be hard for corporate climbers at Fidelity to get brownie points from their chairman if they are not sure who he is. Talking of trying to please the chairman, have you heard this one?  The Loser: When he sees the chairman in the lift lobby, loiters until a different elevator is ready.

 The Average Employee: Gets in the lift with the chairman, tries to make conversation and nervously stammers out something ridiculous.

 The Corporate Smoothie: Has a couple of intelligent comments always filed away in his mind, just in case he should ever find himself in the lift with the chairman.

 The NMD: Also has a couple of intelligent comments ready - but loiters in the lift lobby to ensure he shares a lift with the chairman every day.

 NMD stands for 'Next Managing Director'.

Did you see that announcement in the paper yesterday saying that Hong Kong University will be offering a course on Frozen Dough Technology?  'Limited Places - Register Early,' it added.

 Is this the Next Big Thing? Did I miss something? Steve McCarty bought some European-looking shoes in Mongkok and then noticed that the soles were emblazoned with the words 'Mode in Italy'. Clearly a con. I am reminded of that place in Japan which renamed itself Usa, so that its products could say 'MADE IN USA'.

 Then there was that Hong Kong company which named itself Italy, and produced shiploads of shoes labelled 'MADE by ITALY'.

Tycoon Kerry Packer's sensitivity in not changing the name of the Australian Women's Weekly to the Australian Women's Monthly would perhaps not be reflected in Hong Kong.

 A company here, I hear from Frank Chan, has just launched a magazine called Period .

 No, I didn't ask what it was about. I don't think men are supposed to know about these things.

Three colleagues of Hong Kong-based Chris Tringham were staying in a hotel in Taichung. The one Westerner in the group decided he wanted some fruit, so went across the road to buy some. The following day a fruit bowl appeared in his room.

 He then discovered that his Chinese colleagues were getting a complimentary bowl of fruit every day, but he wasn't.

 A little investigation revealed that hotel staff did not realise that Western people eat fruit, so they don't give them any.

 As the number of foreigners visiting China grows, amazed residents are realising that Westerners, like chimpanzees, have many attributes that make them almost human.

Special of the day at the Hard Rock Cafe in the China Hotel in Guangzhou, spotted by reader Victor H: 'Cocky Leeky Soup.' Caution on a pair of Speedo swimming trunks purchased by Steven Lewis of Cyron Media in Hong Kong:  'Exposure to sunlight may fade bright colours. Chlorinated water is known to damage the colour and elastane of textile products. Flumes, slides and rough surfaces will snag and damage this fabric. Damage is caused to swimwear by suntan products.'  In other words, don't wear them outdoors and don't wear them indoors.

 Said Steve: 'You'll get the best out of these trunks if you are taking a dip in a darkened tank of Evian water.'  Similarly, this columnist's mother bought a new bath for the family home and the small print on the instructions said that she should wipe it down with a towel after every use to keep it dry. Yes, modern science has invented a bath which doesn't like water.

Promotional blurb on the tables at the Shanghai JC Mandarin hotel, spotted by John Bunton: 'At the Brasserie Tatler you can savour five different types of imaginary buffet spread all day round, available during breakfast, lunch, afternoon high tea, dinner and supper.'  Said John: 'Imaginary buffet? This must be the ultimate diet.' Just a thought: A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.



Chairman suffers from premature rejection