You crawl into bed, enjoying the soft feel of Liars brand cotton sheets.

Right. Have you guessed where you are? Yes: Hongkong. These are the Cantonese brand names for Western products.

Wheat Clan, pronounced Mak Si, is Maxwell House. Second Rice Cigar, pronounced A Mai Gai, is Omega.

Attic is the direct translation used by Penthouse magazine, and Clever Beans are Smarties. Liars is an unfortunate Putonghua innuendo contained in the name of textile firm Cannon.

All these were uncovered during recent research by Hongkong law firm Baker and McKenzie into the minefield of translating Western names into Chinese.

In Cantonese, Swire, or Tai Gwoo Yau Han Gung Si, means Too Old Company Limited.

Hongkong Bank, or Wayfoong Ngan Hong, means Harvesting Riches Bank.

Watchers of television advertisements, kindly sing along with the next line: ''There's a difference at Wheat Suitable Labour you'll enjoy.'' Wheat Suitable Labour (Mak Dong Lo) is, of course, McDonald's.

Hive of flowers JILL Lovatt of Two Pacific Place was in the Health Shoppe in Queensway Plaza the other day, looking at their extensive range of honeys.

New Zealand honey was $22.50, but a nearby Tasmanian honey had no price on it.

Jill asked the assistant how much the Tasmanian honey was. She looked it up and said: ''$37.50.'' ''Why is it so much more than the New Zealand honey?'' Jill asked.

''Tasmanian honey from bees,'' the assistant said solemnly.

''But so is New Zealand honey.'' ''No. New Zealand honey is from FLOWERS. Tasmanian honey is from BEES,'' explained the salesgirl, and went off to serve someone else.

Honestly. Some customers don't know anything! Cover story GAVIN Reid, president for finance at American Express in Hongkong, told us yesterday about a businessman who got locked out of his hotel room completely nude in the UK.

The blushing nudist tiptoed down to the lobby where the only wearable item he could find was an American Express application form.

He grabbed it, obviously thinking: ''That'll do nicely.'' The embarrassed man, who found himself completely alone in the hotel in Warminster, England, phoned the police, who arrived to find him still strategically clutching the form.

The story leaked out to the tabloid newspapers in Britain, whose reporters asked American Express to make a comment.

''We always say we cover all eventualities,'' said the Amex spokesman.

Gift of tongues THE trials of being an interviewee in Hongkong are mounting.

Until now, a television reporter would interview Hongkong politicians in Cantonese, and then ask him or her to repeat the answers in English, for the English news channels.

Now that the News in Putonghua has started on TVB's English channel, interviewees are likely to be asked to repeat their answers three times in three languages.

Anyway, here is a quick all-purpose trilingual lesson for members of the Executive Council: Cantonese: Mo hor fung go.

English: No comment.

Mandarin: Wukefenggao.

Ode 'ere POETRY inspired by Dr Judith Mackay continues to pour in unsolicited. It will be forwarded to her.

This one, to the tune of ''Old Macdonald Had a Farm'', came from Gail Passow of Sai Kung: Young Maclaisee has a column Oh dear me, oh no! Which rescues us from being solemn Ha, ha, hee, hee, ho! We'll draw a veil over the rest of it, which was somewhat less highbrow and erudite.

The most accurate comment came from the opening couplet of a composition by Pete Gallo of Sai Wan Ho: There's been a lot of rhyming verse, Some very bad, and some much worse.

Veepophobia A BROKER from the United States was pouring out his woes to Hongkong tax consultant Neil Thomson.

''I spent four years worrying if George Bush would die, leaving Dan Quayle to run the country,'' said the American.

''I now spend all my time worrying that Hillary will die and Bill will be left running the country.''