There's nothing worse than ... call waiting
IT MIGHT be just a small beep for man, but it's a giant blast of irritation for mankind. Well, three beeps actually. Those tiny chirps that send you off on an indeterminate voyage into communication limbo while your erstwhile interlocutor sends an unmistakable vibe humming down the deathly silence of the line: I don't know who else wants to talk to me, but they are obviously far more important than you.
Just how much more important - which generally can be gauged by the duration of the silence - depends on whether I hang up in a huff or wait for the caller to condescend to resuming our chat. I have one friend to whom each call entails more false starts than a 100m sprint, as each attempt to speak is frequently interrupted by those deadly beeps and his dreaded response: 'Just a sec.' And he is not the only one. More than 70 per cent of Hong Kong homes now avail themselves of this scourge, says Hongkong Telecom.
For every leap forward in communications technology, there seems to be an equal and opposite leap in the other direction. Voicemail, for instance, is a truly wonderful invention. It is the Dr Jekyll of telecommunications to call waiting's Mr Hyde. It is empowering to check your messages and blithely ignore those you would rather avoid. On the other hand, it is infuriating to sit holding a piece of plastic that has just become as odious as a rotten mullet while you ponder the great and important personage whose persistent peepings have just consigned you to the outer darkness.
According to Judith Martin in her Miss Manners' Guide For The Turn Of The Millennium, call waiting is 'rude' and she sniffs: 'Why anyone would pay extra for the privilege of offending current callers while having to make this explanation (that one's line is busy) oneself, Miss Manners cannot imagine.' So there you have it, call waiting lovers, you are boorish, ill-mannered and unimaginably uncouth, offending all and sundry and probably losing friends faster than Sir Donald Tsang in Budget week, all for the sake of worrying about missing some important call that will probably never come. You know, the one that will tell you you've just won the Mark Six lottery, been invited on the next Space Shuttle mission, or that Naomi Campbell is on the line begging to come round and lather you in baby oil and suck your toes.
A more likely scenario is that as you, the hapless call-waitee, listen as that dead air space spirals into eternity, the caller-waiter finally deigns to come back on to the line to inform you that crucial negotiations were proceeding about whether to have the garlic chicken or the beef tacos for dinner. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' they croon. 'I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long.' You, meanwhile, are imagining 100 uses for a piping hot taco.
I believe the same principle expounded in this space last week on mobile phones holds equally for call waiting. If you are truly confident and sure of yourself, let people wait to speak to you. Don't let them know you are gagging to take their call. Let them sweat. And when they finally do get through to you, don't risk sending them into a vortex of rage and frustration by telling them to hold. Because I, for one, may not be right here waiting for you.
