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SCMP Reporter

IT is quite true what they say, you know. Everything you need to know in life, you learn during your infant school days. Your Humble Narrator realised this during a series of prep-talks with his adopted Chinese boy and girl, as they were getting ready to go to an infant school in Pokfulam and a kindergarten in Mid-Levels, respectively.

 This three-way discussion between persons of roughly equal ability to talk in non-sequiturs produced a surprisingly practical list of guidelines. I decided to take it to my office and pin it to my cubicle wall as a lesson for myself. Here it is.

 Don't eat your packed lunch at morning snack time.

 Even if the toothpaste is stuck, don't jump on it.

 Remember, a bag which is picked up by any part of the strap instead of the main handle will immediately turn upside down and empty its contents on to the floor.

 Don't go away to do a wee-wee when a dog is looking at your lunch.

 Always have a tissue on you, because people leak unexpectedly.

 Remember your most important possession is not your best toy but your best friend.

 If a nasty child says he won't play with you, tell him that that makes you really sad, and then smile slowly.

 Don't tell your teacher she has the fattest bottom you have ever seen, even if she has.

 If someone is nasty to you, quickly press the 'erase' button in your memory.

 If someone is nice to you, quickly press the 'record' button in your memory.

 Don't use the same toothbrush for brushing your teeth and de-lousing the dog.

 Remember, if you know you don't know much, you are already smarter than most people.

 If someone asks you what race you are, say human.

 Don't try to eat the yolk of an egg in one bite if your mouth is smaller than the yolk of an egg, especially if you are wearing a white shirt.

 Make a new friend every day, and all your life you'll never have to pay hotel bills.

 Never say, 'Oh yeah and who's gonna make me?' to the school bully.

 Remember the school clock is more likely to be correct than your toy watch which always says ten to two.

 But respect your toy watch: it is right twice a day, and was a lot cheaper than the school clock.

 Don't worry about the loud children in your class, since a huge mouth and a tiny mind usually go together.

 If other children won't let you join their game, tell them you can't play with them now anyway, because you are busy receiving data on your sub-epidermal modem implant.

 Never get anything right the first time, because nobody will appreciate how difficult it was.

 Write down important phone numbers in something that you probably won't lose, such as your memory.

 Remember that the children with the most pocket money are usually the least happy.

 If someone hits you, don't hit them back, because the teacher usually looks around in time to catch the second person only.

 Learn all the words of your favourite song and it will keep you company when you get lonely.

 Learn to appreciate that great feeling you get when you go into the school shop (or any shop) and come out without having spent anything.

 If anyone gets cross and says, 'I won't be your friend any more', make him laugh by saying something silly like, 'And I won't be your intimate fungal ointment any more'.

 Be nice to your parents. They choose your birthday and Christmas presents.

 At night, grown-ups always bark, 'Go to sleep!' at you, but no one knows how to go to sleep to order, not even grown-ups.

 Never forget: you can't destroy an enemy with a toy gun or a real gun. The only way to destroy an enemy is to make him your friend.

 To this list, I added a few of my favourite quotes.

 Forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much. (Oscar Wilde)  Save a little money each month, and at the end of the year, you'll be surprised at how little money you have. (Ernest Haskins)  If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. (Scott Adams)  Earlier this week, my two little bundles of joy were despatched to their schools. Both farewells were emotional. As might be expected, there were tears and hugs and screaming and shrieking and kicking and yelling.

 But I soon dried my eyes and calmed down. The youngest one gave me the tissue she was carrying.



Guidelines to safely surviving schooldays