Year of the Rabbit guide that pulls no punches

PUBLISHED : Sunday, 28 February, 1999, 12:00am
UPDATED : Sunday, 28 February, 1999, 12:00am

I CAN'T believe it's been the Year of the Rabbit for 1.5 weeks already. No doubt readers will have been busy with the many ancient traditions that take place at this time, such as bribery and corruption. Does anyone else think it odd that handing over envelopes of money is illegal in Hong Kong at any time, except for the first 15 days of Lunar New Year, when it is compulsory? Your Humble Narrator hung out for a while with fung shui man Raymond Lo Hang-lap last week and we agreed that most of the stuff printed about the Lunar New Year was watered-down rubbish.

So here is your real, warts-and-all, unexpurgated, all-new 1999 Lunar New Year moon signs personality guide.

RABBIT ('39, '51, '63, '75, '87, '99): You are a happy person, fun to be with, and you have an air of nobility. It is a pity then, that your favourite hobby is riding the MTR at rush hour so you can rub against strangers. You have legalistic tendencies and are presently suing 38 people, including your wife and toddler.

DRAGON ('40, '52, '64, '76, '88, 2000): You are a strong, superior person, but you have trouble finding love-interest in your life. This is not necessarily a bad thing, since you treat everybody else as inferiors. Your curriculum vitae is a fake you bought off the Internet.

SNAKE ('41, '53, '65, '77, '89, 2001): You come across as intelligent, considerate and likable. In reality, you are the opposite. Hobby: Organising ritual human sacrifices.

HORSE ('42, '54, '66, '78, '90, 2002): You are a person of charm and wit. You enjoy flattery and have a sentimental streak. This year you will expand your profitable business tricking tourists into acting as drug couriers for you. You would make a good janitor if you were more ambitious.

RAM ('43, '55, '67, '79, '91, 2003): You are artistic and love nature, but are also a bit of a worrier. This year you will clean up your act by abandoning your support for the Democratic Alliance for the Betterment of Hong Kong, and spending more time on witchcraft. Your driving ambition is to hijack an aircraft.

MONKEY ('44, '56, '68, '80, '92, 2004): You are a natural actor, never showing your true feelings. You have a good memory and quick reactions. You have a tendency to think that everyone hates you, which in your case is true, because you are a truly dangerous sicko. Hair grows on the top of your ears.

ROOSTER ('45, '57, '69, '81, '93, 2005): A strange contradiction, you love to be noticed but at the same time you are rather shy. Your views are always outspoken. You have the annoying habit of burning down the home of anyone who disagrees with you. Hobby: Flashing.

DOG ('46, '58, '70, '82, '94, 2006): Honest and loyal, you have an eye for detail and can always be trusted to finish a job. You are a bit of a moralist and have a healthy disregard for money. What a shame, then, that your main hobby is robbing people in stairwells of housing estates. Hobby: Spitting.

PIG ('47, '59, '71, '83, '95, 2007): You have high ideals and are good at mixing. Your dream is to become a wino, but you secretly fear it is too ambitious a goal. You once gambled away a spouse in a card game. You will die of ebola.

RAT (36, '48, '60, '72, '84, '96, 2008): Fun-loving and imaginative, you love gambling and engaging in debate. You tend to be a bit of a spendthrift. Your ambition is to move into a derelict shop and sell pirate VCDs. Your Internet home page consists largely of instructions for making bombs.

OX ('37, '49, '61, '73, '85, '97): Slow and steady, you take your time, but achieve high standards in all your projects. You would like to be a Nathan Road camera salesman, but you're not honest enough. Your favourite drink is turpentine.

TIGER ('38, '50, '62, '74, '86): Brave and lucky, tigers make good lovers and fighters. But you are quarrelsome and rarely trust other people. When alone, you like to wear your spouse's underclothes. Hobby: Hacking into hospital websites and changing patients' records.

YES, we take the astrology seriously in Hong Kong. I was once contacted by a young local lad called Edward begging me to doctor this newspaper's 'stars' column. He pleaded with me to insert something to help him in his bid to attract a girl with whom he was in love. 'Today is a good day to fall in love with that horrible gawky boy who stares at you all the time.' Your Humble Narrator refused to countenance such a corrupt scheme. Next time send a packet of money, Edward.