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Quotation books miss out on minefield of Asian malapropisms

ON my desk are several books of quotations. People in Hong Kong and the region are almost completely absent from them. Why? Have we not said anything interesting in the past 100 years? This cannot be true. Who can forget the dramatic claim of Lessie Wei of the Hong Kong Agriculture and Fisheries Department, after slaughtering 1.3 million hens? 'You won't spot any chickens walking around free.' Who can forget the words of the Beijing policeman who stopped two skeletons trying to raise interest in their hallowe'en party? 'You can't practise your religion here.' No, the lack of quotes from this region can only be blamed on Western imperialist bias. It is time we set the record straight. So, we present chapter one of the East Asian Book of Quotations.

'Once again, we apologise for late departure of this flight and hope it does not cause much incontinence for you.' (Announcement on Vietnam Airlines heard by Neil Baskerville.) 'Danger! Keep clean.' (Sign outside a shop in the Sunshine City Shopping Plaza, Ma On Shan, seen by Deborah McGhie.) 'Masturbation, sexual intercourse, sexual harassment and pregnancy will be included on kindergarten and primary schools' curriculums from the next academic year.' (From a Hong Kong newspaper report spotted by Mike Burrell.) 'No ball games allowed.' (Sign on the fence of the Sai Wan Ho municipal tennis courts, seen by Richard Day.) 'Love is a complex matter.' (Barrister Toby Jenkyn-Jones, defending a man who procured sex by threatening to fax nude pictures of a woman to her workplace.) 'Metaphors be with you.' (The slogan on the back of the official T-shirt of the National Writers' Union, seen at the Hong Kong Foreign Correspondents' Club.) 'I'm going to hit the speculators where it hurts.' (The Monetary Authority's Joseph Yam Chi-kwong.) 'It was often said that an infinite number of monkeys with typewriter keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know that this is not true.' (Graham Ford.) 'I have opened my clothes. I have become a nude man.' (Jakarta businessman Budiardjo Tek, describing just how 'transparent' his businesses have become.) 'Some additional lighting will be installed at many locations that will be made use of for climbing by thieves.' (Letter from Beverly Hill Estate Management Ltd to resident Deepak Uttamchandani.) 'He had a moustache.' (Six-year-old Cheung Lai-shan, explaining how he became suspicious of the robber in women's clothes who tried to talk his way into his apartment in Hong Kong.) 'Rehipraghaiswihi Oneself.' (Slogan on a pair of Fu Xin brand jeans seen by Wayne Beer.) 'I just wanted to raise circulation.' (Newspaper proprietor Sally Aw Sian talking to investigators.) 'Please keep these toilets clean. Use the rubbish bin.' (Sign on the wall of a lavatory in an office block in Central seen by David Hall.) 'Our management staff are instructed to petrol the building more frequently and your kind co-operation are highly appreciately. Thank you.' (Letter from Dannies Land and Finance Co Ltd of Wan Chai sent to its tenants.) 'During peak hours in the morning, empty trains will depart every 20 minutes.' (Sign at Tai Po KCR station see by Shrinath Tandur.) 'HKSARPRC.' New name of post-handover Hong Kong according to organisers of a conference here.

'It plans to set up 70 more shops in the mainland as against 21 shops in Australia of which most will be in New Zealand.' (From an analysts' report by New China Hong Kong Research.) 'Robber conference starts in Malaysia'. Headline of a DPA news agency report on the Malaysian rubber trade.

'We uphold our commitment to Hong Kong, we honour our promise to shareholders, with a determined goal, we strive to head for another climax.' (Results statement from Wong Kwan, chairman and chief executive of Pearl Oriental Holdings, seen by Daniel Reichman.) Finally, if the people who publish the Oxford Book of Quotations won't co-operate, we'll do a revised pirate version for ourselves. And they can quote me on that.

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