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  • Jul 29, 2014
  • Updated: 9:11pm

Ugly drunks get their prayers answered

PUBLISHED : Monday, 19 April, 1999, 12:00am
UPDATED : Monday, 19 April, 1999, 12:00am
 

Are you ugly, impotent, drunk, asthmatic, and constipated? Fear not. China Products holds the cure for all that ails you.


Super Squalene.


Reader Rod Air picked up one of their flyers from the department store's Jordan branch.


Apparently there's more to Squalene than just bits of shark liver.


In fact, ingesting it sounds a lot like joining a religious cult.


'I was born again by Squalene', a user's written testament tells us.


Before discovering this miracle, the user's life was bedevilled by health problems.


After a brief bout of total paralysis, he developed an ulcer and had to have two thirds of his stomach removed.


Then came constipation and urinary problems, respiratory angst, mouth ulcers, vomiting, dizziness and fatigue.


To make matters worse, he enjoyed 'almost no sexual life at all'.


'At this point I just wanted to quit and live in a monastery,' the born-again tells us.


Enter Squalene.


One night the user dabbed a little on his ulcerated gums, and the next day they were right as rain.


Soon he was taking capsules every day. Obsessed, he began scouring the planet for the purest stuff.


'I have found the treasure,' the Squalene junky tells us. 'Why not introduce it to those unfortunates who need it?' The product claims to cure stomach problems, hepatitis, diabetes, hypertension, asthma, bronchitis, constipation, haemorrhoids, laryngitis, gum ulcers, coughs, toothache, allergies and Meniere's Syndrome.


And that's not all.


Squalene also makes you beautiful, the manufacturers tell us.


To become better looking, simply take one to three capsules twice daily.


Six capsules a day keeps sexual impotence away. And take five before and after a booze sesh to 'control drunkenness'.


So if you're an ugly alcoholic embarking on a one-night stand, Lai See offers this advice: Neck the whole bottle.


More strange goings on in the world of banking.


It seems Chase Manhattan has been hurling abuse at itself.


Like most big companies, the bank has purchased a series of Internet domain names.


Included among them are: Chasesucks.com, ihatechase.com, chasestinks.com and chaseblows.com.


Apparently the bank bought them to keep others from using them to set up a nasty, Chase-hating net spot.


'Some well-aimed gripe sites can make the bottom line bleed,' says on-line magazine Internet World.


'Last year an on-line computer products dealer blamed significant revenue loss on four complaint sites hammering its service.' Buying up 'anti-domains' is seen as one way of heading your enemies off at the pass.


We're not sure how effective this is.


But we've purchased 'laiseeisrubbish.com' just to be safe.


We hear Ripley's Believe It Or Not museum is trying to grab Pamela Anderson Lee's breasts.


The freak show wants to buy the beach bimbo's recently removed implants.


'We are interested in them for our Hollywood Museum,' curator Christine Barnes told Agence France-Presse.


'We are going to feature different practices from around the world as far as making yourself beautiful.


'We figured that they would make the implant display more interesting.' The sex siren said she'd decided to bring her impossible dimensions back in line with reality because she wanted 'a more natural look'.


Thanks for your honesty, Pamela.


It's good to get these things off your chest.


Ah, the fourth estate.


A reader just sent us a catalogue of media 'Classic British Cock-Ups'.


Here are some of the highlights: Jon Snow (Channel 4 News presenter): 'In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?' Expert: 'Er, yes.' Jimmy Hill (BBC sports presenter): 'If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal.' Greater London Radio presenter: 'So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?' Palaeontologist: 'Well, in the same way a horse and donkey produce a mule, we'd get a sort of half-mammoth.' Presenter: 'So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?' Palaeontologist: 'Er, well yes, but elephant shaped and with tusks.' Grand National winning jockey Mick Fitzgerald: 'Sex is an anti-climax after that!' Desmond Lynam (BBC sports presenter): 'Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everyone saw that.'

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