Toons out in force to cream arms-building Bill

PUBLISHED : Thursday, 12 August, 1999, 12:00am
UPDATED : Thursday, 12 August, 1999, 12:00am

Today's quiz question: What do the Pilsbury Dough Boy and the president of the United States have in common? B) They both like to feel kneaded.

A) They're both a bit tasteless.

C) Neither go down well with Ben and Jerry's ice cream.

The answer is C.

Years have passed since the ice cream boys tussled with the Dough Boy.

In case you've never seen him, the food firm's mascot hangs around baked goods looking like Casper the Friendly Ghost in a chef's hat.

Pilsbury had apparently threatened to withdraw its own ice cream business from firms who also distributed Ben and Jerry's.

But the ice cream duo refused to be frozen out.

Ben and Jerry began a media blitz painting the Dough Boy as a wolf in chef's clothing. Pilsbury watched helplessly as their cute little mascot evolved into a mini mafioso.

In the end, they backed down. And so the years passed peacefully.

Until now.

A Hong Kong cartoonist has just received a call to arms for a fight against calls to arms.

It seems Bill Clinton has been squandering money on weapons at the expense of education.

So Ben is preparing an arsenal of ice cream and assembling an artistic army of sweet-tooths.

Recruitment letters have been sent out to the world's cartoonists urging them to 'fax Ben a copy of a current cartoon that reflects your thinking on America's national budget priorities'.

In exchange: 'He will send you a coupon for a pint of ice cream. Bribery, yes, but Ben wants to ignite a national debate about national priorities, and he's got plenty of ice cream.' Included with the letter are pages of cuttings from newspapers detailing Mr Clinton's crimes.

It seems Ben wants to make sure his followers get the full scoop.

More weird New Zealand tax deductions.

Lai See recently discovered that Kiwi prostitutes can write off work expenses like whipping cream, patterned stockings and edible underwear.

Yesterday, we learned of a car dealer who deducted his clients' sessions with prostitutes. It seems the salesman was throwing them in free with automobile purchases.

The dealer successfully claimed US$1,000, according to the Wellington Evening Post .

Guess that's what you call a sex drive.

A mysterious list of Indian accomplishments has been doing the rounds in Hong Kong.

The unsigned document appears to be the work of a devoted nationalist seeking to spread word of India's greatness.

'Please forward this to as many as possible . . .' it says.

The two pages provide a brief account of India's contributions to human history.

Allow us to summarise.

They did everything. The rest of the world just stole the credit.

India, we are told, 'never invaded any country in her last 10,000 years of history'.

She wouldn't have had time to.

Her citizens were far too busy inventing chess, the wireless, the number system, the decimal system, the irrigation dam, algebra, trigonometry, calculus, the value of 'pi' and navigation.

We're told the word 'navigation' comes from the Sanskrit word navgatih. Oh, and Sanskrit is the mother of all European languages (it's also the one best suited for computer software).

India founded the world's first university. India used to be really rich.

India had brain surgery, cataract surgery, Caesarean sections and prosthetic limbs while most other nations were still little more than mere forest dwellers.

India also invented Chinese culture. Chinese politicians even admit it.

It's all in there under 'Quotes About India'.

'Former Ambassador of China to USA, Hu Shih: 'India conquered and dominated China culturally for 20 centuries without ever having to send a single soldier across her border',' it says.

Now Lai See thinks India is a fabulous and intriguing country.

But we did raise an eyebrow at that last claim.

Of course, we wouldn't have been able to if it weren't for those Indians.

They pioneered the practice of eyebrow-raising thousands of years before anyone else had even thought of it.