Where customers can go, and what they can do there

ROBERT Nield of Price Waterhouse was in the recently opened Shoegazine shoe shop in Prince's Building.

There was background music seeping out of the walls as usual.

It was only after a little time passed that he began to listen closely to it.

What he heard was the rousing final chorus of the song, which went: ''Thank you for f***ing at the f*** shop.'' ''I am not a prude, but I thought it a strange choice,'' said Robert. ''Perhaps I had misheard.'' But then the next track started.

''Boom. Boom. Bam. Get the f*** out. Get the f*** out,'' sang the boisterous group.

''At this point, I asked the young lady shop assistant if she realised what the words meant,'' said Robert.

She said she did, but she could not go and change the music, since there was a customer - Mr Nield himself - in the shop.

''I obliged her - and the singer on the tape - and left,'' said Robert.

Clearly this is one of those ''explicit lyrics'' rap albums that are all the rage these days.

However, if there was a prize for the least suitable piece of music in the known universe to use as muzak to make a customer feel comfortable in a posh shop, it would go to a rap song called ''Get the f*** out.'' No scents WHY are people on Lufthansa international flights allowed to go around clutching little bottles labelled ''EXPLOSIVE''? It is the name of the cologne which the airline has chosen to hand out.

Ja, great thinking, chaps.

Soaring intellect SEVERAL months ago we published a theory by Paul Holmes of Mount Nicholson Gap that the so-called intelligent building, Central Plaza, was trying to talk using the patterns of coloured lights at its pinnacle.

''Now at last I have conclusive proof of my theory,'' said Paul. ''The building has stopped its juvenile babbling and has found something to say - it is telling us the time.'' It changes one colour every quarter of an hour.

''All this magnificent extra-terrestrial intelligence, and all it can do is tell the time badly: its precision is no better than plus or minus seven and half minutes.'' Paul reckons the intelligent building got bored because no one ever replied to its colourful messages.

''It brings to mind the lament of Marvin the Paranoid Android in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy,'' said Paul. ''Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and you leave me here five billion years parking cars.'' Pillar of society PAUL Claugham showed us a brochure from Excellent Wood Moulding Ltd of Reclamation Street, Kowloon. It says you can now have pillars in your home in the style of ''Berkingham Palace''.

''The current supposed behaviour of the UK royal family might warrant the change of name,'' said Paul.

Off the record GOT a letter from a reader: ''Dear Lai See, ''This is the last time you'll hear from me for I'll stop reading your column because increasingly you are quoting unnamed business and police sources.

''As a journalist you must know that people who make unattributable comments often do so to plant ideas in other people's minds without being held accountable . . . Tell them to act like a man and do it by themselves on the record.'' We fully agree. It is vital to put your name to what you have written.

Sadly, this letter was unsigned. Pathetic.

Paralytic REMEMBER the sign ''Do not drive after drunk'' spotted by a reader in Tianjin? Well, Gordon Wood of Chi Fu Fa Yuen snapped this sign at Tianjin Airport.

''It seems that the authorities have made allowances for those who have over-imbibed,'' he said.

Twist again THANKS for sending in all the twisted titles - but remember, no cheating. You can only change one letter of the original name.

These came from Tom Mawer of Taikoo Shing: Hobocop: The story of a police chief who is reduced to begging after a government committee strips him of all perks, including his car number plate.

The Thirty-Nine Stops: Mass Transit Railway training video.

The Story of Ho: Zany casino magnate stars in gambling comedy.

Tie Herd: Stock exchange tower overrun by phone-toting terrorists in suits.

Silence of the Lams: Inside story of an ICAC case in which two brothers refuse to testify.

From Trevor Hollingsbee, a maritime security operative: Ping and I: A retired civil servant tries to emulate Marco Polo and ingratiate himself with the court of the Middle Kingdom.

A Fridge Too Far: Manila-bound domestic servants haggle with airline staff over how many appliances they can carry on to the flight in their cabin baggage.

Where the Buoys Are: Incoming ships try to negotiate the daily changes in the harbour reclamation.

Off the menu THERE was an amazing factoid on the back of the menu at Joe Bananas yesterday: ''The average American produces 9 lb of hazardous waste every day.'' Hazardous waste is usually defined as radioactive material or asbestos.

If this is true, should we not have a separate sewage system for the American consulate in Garden Road?