• Sun
  • Dec 21, 2014
  • Updated: 5:42pm

The bugging of Jiang: Now for the real story

PUBLISHED : Saturday, 26 January, 2002, 12:00am
UPDATED : Saturday, 26 January, 2002, 12:00am

The name's Jiang, Jiang Zemin.

With no one getting too upset about President Jiang Zemin's official plane containing more bugs than last night's special fried rice, the real cloak-and-dagger story has gone largely unnoticed.

This is the stuff of lore. This is the stuff that made Ian Fleming famous and James Bond a household name.

From America With Love sees our hero, 00888, travelling to meet the evil Gayorg W Bushfeld.

Bushfeld - who is using his cover as head of the Dunrong Corp to hatch an evil plan to starve the world of electricity and paper shredders - has offered to fly our hero over in his own private 767 to try to lure him over to the dark side.

Little does 00888 know but the plane is not only bugged but piloted by Bushfeld's beautiful and dangerous sidekick - Perky Bumsfelt.

Tiring of the on-board karaoke machine, 00888 retires to the bathroom in order to check his spy gadgets are all working properly and to smooth out the creases in his Saville Row Mao suit.

On entering the bathroom our agent performs the usual precautions that come as second nature to a seasoned spy-master.

Is there a toilet roll in the holder and will the seat stay up of its own accord, leaving both hands free to search for bugs.

After completing the washroom ritual he opens the special briefcase given to him by PLA branch.

Copy Rolex - Bezel falls off as it is prone to do and if not worn correctly cheap steel strap will turn victim's wrist a nasty shade of green.

Cigarettes - 200 duty free.

Pretzel - A cleverly disguised choking device.

Returning to the cabin, 00888 is confronted by Perky holding the karaoke machine's microphone, which she has discovered is really a telephone because the head of PLA branch has just called back.

PLA: 'Is secret agent 00888 there?'

Perky: 'He's in the bathroom.'

PLA: '[Pregnant pause] Sorry, wrong number. Damn copy Nokias.'

Perky points a gun.

She pulls the trigger but as the gun was bought in Temple Street market she shoots herself in the foot and the bullet (conveniently) ricochets off the floor and through a window.

Our hero stops himself following Perky out through the window and makes his way to the flight deck.

He is momentarily confused by the unrecognisable names of the instruments in Bushfeld's private jet.

The Pesky Altimeter, the Forgive Me Jesus Joy Stick and the Velocitomerator.

Fortunately, 00888 is trained for all manner of aircraft and eventually manages to land the plane safely on the lawn outside Bushfeld's secret hideout.

Unfortunately, he is immediately captured and taken before Bushfeld who is lounging on a large sofa in front of a paper shredder, eating Pretzels.

00888: 'Do you expect me to talk?'

Bushfeld: 'No 00888, I expect you to die'.

While Bushfeld outlines his plans for 00888's grisly demise to the guards, our hero slips his PLA Pretzel into the evil one's packet.

As Bushfeld chokes on the snack, causing him to suffer a neurally mediated vasovagal syncope - or fainting fit - the bezel on 00888's copy Rolex accidentally falls into the paper shredder causing it to short circuit. This, in turn, sets off a chain reaction which ignites a stockpile of weapon-grade uranium under Bushfeld's sofa.

Fleeing the secret lair our hero is mulling his options for escape when Perky drives up in a captured Number 99 green-top minibus that was on its way from Tsuen Wan to Afghanistan.

The pair are last seen trying to find change for a $50 note for the $2.40 fare as Bushfeld's hideout disappears behind a large mushroom cloud.

Now that is a bugging story.

Graphic: lse26gbz


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