Dealing with divorce
WHEN SIMON Tam's parents told him they were getting divorced, he was angry. Very angry.
'I hated my dad for having an affair. And I was mad at my mum too, but I didn't know why and I didn't know what to say,' he said.
Uncertain of what to say, Simon said nothing. For a year. But all that bottled up anger was bubbling close to the surface and it was his classmates who felt the brunt of it. Simon was a big 14-year-old and children were scared when he began picking fights in the playground. He soon became a regular outside the headmaster's office.
'I didn't want anyone to know that dad had left us. My little sister cried a lot and I felt bad about that, but I didn't want to talk to her either,' he said.
Simon is not alone. He is among thousands of Hong Kong youngsters who have struggled through their parents' divorces. And the number is on the increase. In 1980, there were 2,087 divorces, and the divorce rate stood at 0.56 per 1,000 of the population. In 2000, there were 13,247 divorces and the rate had risen to 2.39.
Simon was not proud of his growing reputation as a bully, or of his falling grades, but there seemed little he could do about it. And his teachers' patience was wearing thin. It was his best friend who came to the rescue.
'Michael is a bit bigger than me, so he wasn't scared of me. And we had been friends since primary school. I thought it would be really embarrassing to talk about my dad going, but when I started I realised it wasn't so hard.'
Michael went to see the school social worker with Simon. It was his first step towards dealing with the problem. Most schools have social workers who visit on a daily or weekly basis and there is no shortage of independent counselling services.
The Hong Kong Federation of Youth Groups, Hong Kong Welfare Society and KELY Support Group all offer advice and support.
Divorce is one of the most stressful life events, for both children and parents, said Amarantha Yip Yun-wan, a social worker and mediator at the Hong Kong Family Welfare Society.
'Some children may be emotionally disturbed, some may feel guilty that they have caused the divorce and others may lose their self-confidence,' she said.
Girls tend to find it easier to express their feelings, but boys often turn inward and pretend nothing has happened, said Ms Yip.
Talking about the divorce is the first big step. Nancy Poon Man-ying, supervisor of social work at the Federation of Youth Groups, said when young people contact them the first thing they do is allow the child to release their emotions and acknowledge that what is happening is awful.
'Then we talk to them about what life will be like after the divorce and reassure them that everything will be OK,' she said.
Hotlines: Hong Kong Federation of Youth Groups. Tel: 2777 8899 (Mon-Sat, 2pm-2am)
Hong Kong Family Welfare Society. Tel: 2527 3171
KELY Support Group. Tel: 9032 9096 (English), 9039 7472 (Cantonese)
