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David Evans

We were facing a dilemma this weekend.

We had the oysters, the candles and the clean socks, but we were lacking in the mood music department.

Flicking through the CD collection revealed very little in the way of bedroom tunes.

The Wurzels Greatest Hits  and Val Doonican Christmas Collection  just wasn't going to boost our standing in the intelligent and sophisticated league, and someone had stolen our Jungle Book  LP in 1973.

Fortunately, the villagers of Shui Tan Tsuen in the New Territories came to our rescue with their CD recording of firecrackers going off.

We were on to a winner.

Lai See: 'How was the oyster sundae?

Guest: About 9.30.

Lai See: These socks are new.

Guest: I'm sorry, what was that?

Lai See: A Catherine Wheel I think. SHALL WE GO TO THE BED ROOM, IT'S QUIETER IN THERE.

The residents of Shui Tan Tsuen unveiled their Grammy Award winner the other day at the festival to celebrate Chinese Valentine's Day and the birthday of Hung Shing Kung, the God of the Sea.

Firecrackers have been used during the festival for more than 100 years to ward off evil spirits.

However, police banned them from Tuesday's bash to prevent people using them recklessly and endangering the lives of others.

Hence the CD.

What disturbs us though, is that someone somewhere had to make the recording.

Firecrackers were banned in Hong Kong soon after the riots in 1967, which suggests there could be a thriving business in producing firecracker recordings across the border in the mainland.

Record producers ordering minions with hand-held recording devices to run after bouncing, popping firecrackers.

Record Producer: 'Darlings I want bangs, I want pops, I want noise. WANG! Follow that squib.'

Odd as it may seem, the nonsensical CD is not a recent phenomenon.

Who hasn't sat down in front of the Goldfish in Tank  DVD and listened to a recording of whales mating after a stressful day in the office?

Well, ahem, cough, we've been told that people do.

But think about it. The nonsensical CD concept could just catch on. Who wants to have to wait until every Lunar New Year or Hung Shing Kung birthday to hear their favourite firecrackers.

Think of the benefits.

International Conflicts: Warring parties play sounds of explosions, gunfire and shouts of 'I say, steady on there old chap' at each other through enormous loud-speakers.

Winner is generally the faction with the biggest stereo.

Sports Events: Increase your sport's public profile by playing a recording of 60,000 football supporters cheering a winning goal at select moments.

Neighbours are bound to hear the noise and wonder what all the fuss is about before calling the police, thereby guaranteeing a few column centimetres in the local paper.

Suitable for lawn bowls, ear-wig racing and chess.

Cooking: Numbed at the prospect of having to cook for a dinner party of 12?

Simply pop on a CD of Sounds from the Kitchen, sling the pizza in the microwave and put your feet up and relax with a copy of Jamie Oliver's latest cook-book and wait for the egg-timer to ring.

Emerge from the kitchen an hour later with pizza, guests none-the-wiser and drink all their wine.

Also available: Sounds of the Coffee Percolator  for when you find you only have instant in the house.

Housework: With a special discount for domestic helpers, pop this CD in the system for when your tai tai employer is sat up in bed having her ears permed.

Sounds include vacuuming, dusting, dish washing and telephone conversations with friend in the flat next door.

Homework: Not suitable for anyone over 16 years of age, this compilation of pencil scratching, rubber rubbing and ruler ruling sounds is a must for the owner of the new Street Death Racer computer game or those wanting to hang around outside the 7-Eleven with other spotty youths.

Stifled snigger CD: Free with this column most weeks.



Concept of the nonsensical CD sounds bang on