The pitfalls of the retirement myth
Can two people who have held down jobs and made it through the ups and downs of a lifelong marriage enjoy a blissful retirement together? Probably not. Hence the retired-couple cliche, with its undercurrent of boredom and blame.
Retirement is as full of myth and misconception as that other post-industrial social perversion, the 'happy' nuclear family, especially now that women have careers. To make matters worse, men and women do not have the same reactions or needs at this stage in their lives.
Fortunately, most baby boomers (born between 1945 and 1964) sense that their own post-career future is going to set a new pattern, and in some respects hark back to one that has been suspended for a few generations. Most do not expect ever to retire completely, surveys show, but rather to move on to a different productive activity rather than simply leisure.
Yet, while they are concerned about their future health and happiness, the vast majority make no plans beyond contributing to a pension fund. Presumably they think they will just deal with it when the time comes. This is a choice that takes its toll on marriages and increases the chances of premature mental and physical decline.
There is no longer organic community support for this major transition. That dried up when cradle-to-grave welfare became a matter for governments. Nor would today's retirees necessarily want the kind of community which existed in their grandparents' day, when there were few choices in the average person's life path. However, the alternative of finding your own way requires constructive involvement and, in the case of couples, serious negotiation.
For women, a harmonious marriage is the key to retirement bliss, according to a Cornell University study of how post-retirement employment affects quality of life. For men, it is activity.
At first, career-oriented men go through a retirement 'honeymoon' in which they enjoy the freedom from work pressures. They delight in doing all the things they have put off for years such as reading, playing sports, travelling and so on. However, if they have not anticipated their longer-term reactions and planned accordingly, depression often sets in. In this respect, jobs with less power seem to prepare a man better for retirement because his identity, ego and energy tends to be less tied up in what he does for a living.
In every couple involved in one study, the lowest morale and highest rates of depression occurred among the men who decided to retire permanently - even if they were already in semi-retirement. The highest morale and lowest rates of depression were among men who had retired from demanding careers but were re-employed by choice. Tellingly, however, this was the case especially if their wives remained at home and if the couple followed traditional gender role patterns. This was true regardless of age, income and health.
Women, on the other hand, tend to miss out on the retirement honeymoon, although in the longer term they often cope better with retirement than men because they are more able to deal with the lack of structure in their lives. Initially, however, they feel the loss of a job role and are more likely to be depressed in early retirement, particularly if their husband continues to work. Indeed, as in other areas of life, relationships play a greater part in women's lives during the retirement transition. Women's well-being and morale are less strongly linked to work or retirement status than to the quality of their marriages. Men are the opposite. True, they report a lower sense of well-being if their marriage is full of conflict. But they are not necessarily happier if their marital satisfaction is high. In other words, researchers say, a man's employment status is more predictive of his well-being, but the quality of a woman's marriage is more indicative of hers.
Unsurprisingly, then, retirement is a challenging transition for couples and requires considerable adjustment on the part of both spouses. Couples fight more during the retirement transition period. And because men and women perceive conflict differently, this in itself can cause further strife. In other words, retirees can expect their spouse to have issues and reactions quite different from their own.
Research suggests that it helps for people to anticipate having to cope with a change of identity, a relative lack of structure and issues of territory at home. They should be developing additional interests and steadily shifting to other sources of self-esteem before they are forced to. One option many psychologists recommend is retiring in stages, by reducing working hours gradually. But even if cold turkey is your only option, mental preparation is the key. Workers benefit most from retirement when they take the time to explore their own aspirations for the future and decide on the ways they want to invest their future energy and concern.
Finally, flexibility is crucial. Do not be dead-set on playing golf, for instance, in retirement as this plan could be ruined by an injury. Diversity and balance is as important in an activity plan as it is in an investment portfolio. And do not forget, it pays to make fresh emotional investments in your marriage.
