Talk to your children, parents
I have learned more about how to be a good father in the past year than I did in the 22 years that I've been one. I used to think that it was very simple. Give them food, shelter, a comfortable lifestyle and the rest was up to them. I moved my three sons and wife to San Francisco nine years ago because I thought my children would get a better education there. I stayed behind to work in Hong Kong and only saw them once a year. I did not have a close relationship with my sons until I learned recently to respect them and treat them as individuals.
The wake-up call was my eldest son's arrest on drug possession. I have to take a large responsibility for that because I left Hong Kong in January last year without telling him the reason. He had come back to Hong Kong then at my suggestion after I realised that he had some mental problems. I found him locking himself up for days in his room and would sometimes just take his car and leave. I told him to quit school and return to Hong Kong where he could help out at a noodle shop I was opening up. I arranged for him to see a psychologist. He was diagnosed with a mild form of long-term depression and drug abuse.
Before the arrest, he had argued with his mother and went out to stay at a hostel. Someone left some drugs with him and the next day the police arrested him. It was obviously a trap. He was acquitted of the drug trafficking charge but was convicted of drug possession. He received a harsh sentence of 15 months of probation, which meant he could not return to the US. At the time, we were very scared, but later realised that we got our son back. I have been seeing him every day since and we have become very good friends.
During the three months I stayed at my home in the US last year, I also got to spend more time with my two younger sons. My second son told me that those months were the closest he has felt towards me. I was sad to hear that and realised that I didn't give him enough time before.
I have since been giving many talks on parenting. I think the most important thing is to talk to our children. We have to constantly keep up with them and talk to them as friends so that we can solve problems together.
Aside from having a close relationship with their parents, our youth also need a good education system. One problem with Hong Kong's system is parents' heavy reliance on schools. Parents' involvement is very small and there is not enough communication between schools and parents.
We put too much weight on exams. My sons were so happy that they didn't have to take these exams, but it doesn't mean that they cannot go to university. In the US, students who quit high school can go to a community college and continue on to a university. But you cannot do that in Hong Kong.
University-bound students don't have time to learn in schools because they spend most of their time preparing for entrance exams. And when they do get into universities and finally graduate, they are concerned about their future because of the poor economic conditions.
Hong Kong has spent very little money on education compared with other developed countries, and there have not been enough education reforms. The changes that are being implemented are very technical. There needs to be a shift in the fundamental principles of our education system - that is students should be happy when they go to school.
Wong Yuk-man is a father of three, a radio programme host and former head of Chu Hai College's department of journalism
