Promiscuous prawns are really quite discreet

PUBLISHED : Monday, 07 March, 2005, 12:00am
UPDATED : Monday, 07 March, 2005, 12:00am

According to the highly regarded research firm Think-of-a-number & Double-it, at least 89 per cent of all online searches concern pornography. According to other sources, the proportion is higher still. The even more highly regarded firm Think-of-a-number, Double-it & Add-ten, says the figure is 99 per cent.

Whichever figure is right, the message is clear: hardly anyone in the new economy is working. The few, if any, who curb the urge to stare at naked strangers are almost certainly downloading MP3s.

So this week Technopedia will pause its campaign to elevate the minds of readers and expose a particularly bestial kind of porn worse than anything you have read about in 'dark side of the Web' stories. Worse, even, than one of those sites festooned with Flash and animation.

If you are over 18, feel free to read on but take a shower afterwards. If you are under 18, check that your parents are not looking over your shoulder. If you are much older than 18 but still young enough to care, make sure you are seated and take an extra dose of medication. Er, no, not that medication.

And now, welcome to the intensely pink and fleshy world of 'prawnography' ( What I admire about Prawnography is the possibility that the author has managed to pinpoint the one organism to which nobody, anywhere could possibly be attracted.

That is not easy. After all, some users are smitten by pink fluffy pencil cases and balloons. Others have a thing about iPods. But prawns?

If I were the last human on Earth I would still avoid becoming romantically entangled with any prawn, no matter how coquettish (unless it bought me a drink). So well done King Prawn, the mystery internet baron behind the site.

King Prawn is obviously devoted. Since a seafood freak called Curtis introduced me to the site three years ago, it has remained active - very active. Like CNN, it is constantly updated. No longer are visitors forced to feast their eyes on a pair of limp prawns in miniskirts, gazing at you with their enormous eyes that need no mascara. Prawnography explores every last angle of the 10-legged invertebrate.

That means hardcore, fetish, gay: you name it. About the only category not catered for is celibate. The site is like a vast prawn salad with lashings of dressing. So who is the pincered equivalent of Annabel Chong or Jenna Jameson?

Well, the top contender must be Judy. Languishing unfairly in the amateur section, Judy has her entire lower section encased in a pink thigh-high boot, while about four of her legs and/or feelers protrude above. Teasingly, the bed on which she lies is a single. She cannot be, judging by that twinkle in her eye stalk.

Sure, pedants may say, the promiscuity displayed by Judy and her fellow exhibitionists contradicts the species' true nature. Prawns are in fact quite discreet - they normally only mate at night under the cover of darkness. In a sense, prawns are prudes.

But prawnography is probably not striving for Jacques Cousteau-style depth and authenticity. To me its cocktail of bad puns and worse taste represents a pleasing alternative to, well, all the other sites that try to enlighten or fleece you. The hot marine action hub perhaps reaches its zenith in the fetish section that wows the viewer with shots of prawns subjected to cling film, batter and, worse still, 'piercing'.

Suffice it to say that this category involves the use of a lock and chain, a stiletto and a nail. Beyond sick, but then seafood was always a potential health hazard.

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