Taking the time to talk
Having worked in a bar for more than 14 years, I have come across different generations and types of young people. Some of them come in here purposely looking for a channel to vent their anger, while others prefer to internalise their emotions.
And then you find those who like to divert their energies to others, although not aggressively. Somehow I always manage to have a constructive conversation with all of them, mostly about things and problems they cannot tell their parents or families. I simply tell them to put their worries away and pick up a book that they can better occupy their time with.
Most people think I have always been a very confident person, but that was not the case when I was young. Before I turned 30, my self-esteem was very low. Perhaps it was because my family got really upset with me when I failed to get into university. And that had an impact on my confidence.
After my failed attempt at a university education, I went to study nursing, thinking it would be a good, solid career path. But unfortunately I did not pass the public exam, even after several attempts. That was the end of my dream of becoming a nurse. But, strangely, I did manage to work in a hospital setting for quite a while. I worked as a secretary at Baptist Hospital for seven years.
I first came face to face with some very serious emotional crises after I got married in 1985. At that time I had lots of concerns about raising my children, saving money for them while trying to adjust to the new role of being a mother. Eight years later, I divorced my husband. After the divorce I finally felt as though I was living for myself, and I was not worried about being criticised as selfish. I started to become really involved in sports, swimming and all that. I felt that my life had finally come together and that I had managed to find tranquility in life.
When I see these angry young people come into my bar, I often volunteer to share my personal story with them. When I talk to them, I always try to encourage them to pursue their dreams, and to motivate them to build a sense of self-worth. Both my son and daughter are teenagers.
Strictly speaking, I don't think this could be called counselling, but a two-way, heart-to-heart communication. On one occasion, I met a 25-year-old who wanted to be a filmmaker but just didn't have enough confidence to take the plunge. I spent a long time trying to convince him that it was never too late to start a career. The last time I met him, a few months ago, he told me that he quit his job and was going to study filmmaking in the coming year. I felt happy about it, but I do not think I convinced him. He made up his mind all by himself.
I met people who were so depressed that they had contemplated and, in some cases, even attempted, suicide. Some of them were lesbians. They took such desperate moves because they had no one to talk to, and had to bury their anger inside until one day they couldn't take it any more.
As a first step to help them, I will get them to drink less alcohol. It can be done quite easily with a simple remark like, 'If you don't drink today, I will let you drink tomorrow.' I just want to make them understand that having enough to eat and a place to live are already a blessing. The positive-minded lot never linger at the bar for long. And those who have 'solved' their problems come less and less frequently, and gradually disappear. To me, knowing that they have regained their footing in life, even temporarily, is a big reward.
Grace Ma Lai-wah is the owner of Club 71
