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They may have proven a rich source of amusement for commoners through the ages, but the nicknames bestowed on monarchs can often be misleading. Charles the Bald (AD823-877) of France, for example, is thought to have sported a full head of hair and a beard until the day he died. Denis the Farmer (1261-1325) of Portugal never milked a cow in his life, while his countryman Alfonso the African (1432-1481) was ... well ... not African. And can you recall ever hearing of Danish king Eric the Memorable (1090-1137)?
England's Elizabeth I (1533-1603) - 'the Virgin Queen' - is another case in point. From her moniker you might imagine she drew the line at heavy petting, but it actually refers to the fact she never married. Given the treatment meted out to his six wives by her father, King Henry VIII, and the fate of her mother, Anne Boleyn, who was executed for alleged adultery, Elizabeth's decision to stay a single gal is hardly surprising. She did, however, have several romantic dalliances, some of which are explored in sumptuous detail in Elizabeth I, (ATV World, Friday at 9pm).
Starring eminent British actress Dame Helen Mirren (Prime Suspect) as the titular monarch, this four-part miniseries begins in 1579, when Elizabeth finds herself under intense political pressure to find a husband 20 years after ascending to the throne. Unusual as it was to have an unmarried queen, the calls for her to wed were spurred, not by propriety, but by a desire to safeguard the country; with no heir, in the event of Elizabeth's death, the Protestant nation would have been ripe for the taking by the Catholic countries - led by Spain - eager to seize the 'heretic' throne.
Apart from her family history, the greatest impediment to Elizabeth getting married is her love for Robert Dudley, the Earl of Leicester (Jeremy Irons), a man she can never wed because of his status. But, England expects every queen to do her duty and the pair's relationship unfolds as Elizabeth entertains prospective suitors for her hand, beginning with the Duke of Anjou (Jeremie Covillault).
Mirren is fabulous as the forthright queen, while the dependable Irons does not disappoint, but it is the chemistry between the two that makes this such a treat. Aided by a witty script, lavish period sets and costumes, and a supporting cast full of noted British thespians, the sparkling repartee between Mirren and Irons and stolen moments of affection bring the history vividly to life, making Elizabeth I a stately pleasure.
There's majesty of a different sort on National Geographic in The Living Edens (Mondays at 11pm). This new series journeys to some of the world's most remote regions - areas that have remained unchanged for thousands of years - beginning with Patagonia in South America. Close to the Antarctic, Patagonia is a wind-battered wonderland of awe-inspiring glaciers, snowy peaks and petrified rock that is home to some of the planet's most fascinating creatures.
Along the 1,600km of virgin coastline, 3,000kg elephant seals do bloody battle for exclusive mating rights with a harem of blubbery beauties, while 9,000kg killer whales hunt unsuspecting sea lion pups with brutal precision. Most intriguing, however, are the jackass penguins, named for their donkey-like call, which descend upon the shore in huge numbers to reproduce. The birds mate for life and the males return to the same subterranean nest each year, which they refurbish in anticipation of their main squeeze's homecoming. Considering the females migrate 2,000km for this 'date', providing a clean pad seems the least the fellas can do.
It is left to the condors, though, filmed hovering eerily, high above rocky mountain outcrops in the perennial Patagonian wind known as la escoba de Dios, or 'the broom of God', to steal the show. Breathtaking.
Having less aerial success is the first victim in the second series of CSI: NY (AXN, Tuesdays at 11pm), who plummets spectacularly to his death while attempting to scale the Empire State Building. What looks like an open-and-shut case of a publicity stunt gone wrong turns into a murder investigation when Detective Mac Taylor (Gary Sinise; above, third from left) discovers the climber was making a 911 call when he fell. Across town, a jewellery designer is found dead wearing a bra adorned with US$8 million worth of diamonds, while Aiden Burn (Vanessa Ferlito) considers crossing a line from which there may be no return.
I was wary of CSI spin-offs after watching the overwrought antics of charmless has-been David Caruso in the Miami franchise, but CSI: NY has restored my faith in the brotherhood of the microscope. The characters, such as the wisecracking Danny Messer (Carmine Giovinazzo; above, far left) and former child prodigy Dr Sheldon Hawkes (Hill Harper; far right) are instantly likable, while the New York backdrop is perfect for their forensic investigations. Most importantly, Sinise imbues Taylor with a blend of doggedness and integrity that strikes the right chord. Given the chance to develop, he may well challenge Gil Grissom for the CSI crown.
