Superheroes get superboring

PUBLISHED : Sunday, 17 June, 2007, 12:00am
UPDATED : Sunday, 17 June, 2007, 12:00am

If the advice of film critics is to be respected, there should never have been a sequel to Fantastic Four, a dumb comic book movie about a living rubber band, an invisible bimbo, an argumentative fireball and an ugly rock.

Unfortunately, this month Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, directed by Tim Story, is coming to cinemas. The movie, which should be renamed Fantastic Summer: Rise of Stupid Entertainment, shocks us when one of its superhero characters, Sue the Invisible Woman (Jessica Alba), tearfully says: 'We all have a choice.'

This will be news to moviegoers - it seems that the only choice at the cinema these days are high-budget, low-intelligence flicks.

Audiences deeply affected by the rubbish on offer may even give a sigh of relief when the Silver Surfer announces that the world is only a few days away from total destruction. The intergalactic surfer (played by Doug Jones and voiced by Laurence Fishburne) speeds around the globe wreaking havoc, as his master, a giant, swirling dust cloud, prepares to devour the planet.

The government sends a snobbish general to seek help from Reed, Mr Fantastic (Ioan Gruffudd), who is busy preparing his wedding to Sue and is about to split up the Fantastic Four team to lead a normal life and raise a family.

Meanwhile, Doctor Doom (Julian McMahon), having spent two idle years in a casket, plans to steal the powerful surfboard from the Silver Surfer so that he can play a part in the destruction of the world.

As the Spider-Man franchise has proved, American superheroes need a psycho-therapist as much as a nemesis in order to function. So in the new Fantastic Four movie, we experience the frustrations of Reed and Sue who are too busy to talk about love, and the loneliness of Johnny the Human Torch (Chris Evans) as he tries and fails to find a girlfriend.

Hollywood producers are out of touch with the real world. We all know what being an ordinary person is about. When we go to movies, we want to watch superheroes, not a bunch of whiners and wimps.