Hollywood West
With only a week to go before the end of the year, celebrities who aren't too busy berating their personal assistants, having chronic meltdowns and faking their disdain of fame are most likely compiling their resolutions for 2008.
Assuming that stars are, after all, people too, that only makes sense. Some have had a year they are probably happy to see end and are looking forward to the next with optimism and vigour.
To help them along, and being the ardent celeb-watcher I am, I've taken the opportunity to offer my own take on what high-profile Hollywood hotties should adopt as their New Year's resolutions. These are common-sense suggestions that some of these chickadees should have, well, the common sense to figure out on their own. But, alas, it seems like they need a little help in that department. So here goes:
Lindsay Lohan: I will endeavour to be in a movie that doesn't completely suck. Herbie: Fully Loaded was okay, but what was I thinking when I signed up for I Know Who Killed Me? which should, in hindsight, have been called 'I Know What Was the Last Nail in the Coffin of my Career'. Oh, and then I should tell my mother to go get her own life.
Paris Hilton: I shall limit the number of boyfriends I have during 2008 to 17, and that includes also-rans like Stavros Niarchos. That pizza delivery boy-turned-male supermodel I just went out with wasn't too shabby, but I think I need to set my sights a little higher. And based on where I've been in 2007, I won't even mind if he has a rap sheet.
Nicole Richie: I'm going to be a good mother. No, really I am. I'm going to eat some food during the course of the year.
I won't again jump ahead of people in the security queue at Los Angeles airport, especially given that I've not really done anything to justify the special treatment.
I will stay friends with Paris, at least until the second week of February, when we'll be 'off again'. Oh, and I will dearly try to do something with my career that will warrant all this attention on my sorry self.
Britney Spears: Oooh, I really need one of these - a resolution, that is. Where do I begin, y'all? I'm going to stop chewing gum in public, will remember to put on my underwear before I leave the house, and will refrain from going into public toilets in petrol stations while barefoot. I'll try my darndest not to drop either one of my babies on their heads, and might even remember to show up for depositions, court-appointed counselling sessions and the like. I'm going to curtail my visits to Taco Bell and KFC to thrice a week instead of twice a day, and have to seriously drop my Starbucks-and-cigarettes habit. I think I might ask someone like Catherine Zeta-Jones about class, and see if I can get me some.
Pamela Anderson: I will stop getting married. Oh, I know I've said it before. And sure, maybe marrying Kid Rock and Tommy Lee weren't the smartest decisions I've made. But I really thought I was getting it right with Rick Salomon, who I fell in love with while repaying him a poker debt with sexual favours. And sure, he's the guy who made that naughty tape with Paris Hilton, but I've done the same with Tommy and really, what's a few sex tapes between spouses? But a few months after a quickie wedding in Las Vegas, Rick and I might be done. Or maybe not. We're still trying to work it out. I guess if we're really confused, we can watch some of our old home movies.
Angelina Jolie: I will stop being so perfect. I know that sounds like an odd one, but I think this 'gorgeous-gracious-generous' shtick is getting a bit tired. I think I need to do something radically scandalous like leave Brad at home, smooch some hunk during an all-night bender at Hollywood nightspot Le Deux, and forget to pick up Maddox from school. Saving the world be damned - 2008 is going to be all about me, baby.
Posh Spice: Well, I guess I showed everybody with my sold-out Spice Girls reunion tour. So I think I can take it easy in 2008, even if I still won't take off my four-inch heels, won't gain an ounce of weight, and probably won't smile until 2010. Why take the risk of letting anyone think I have a personality?
Catherine Zeta-Jones: If Britney knocks on my door, I won't answer it.
