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Passion ration

Andrea Li

Jeff Wong, a British-born doctor who moved to Hong Kong recently, is discovering that dating in the city can be every bit as taxing as mastering Cantonese.

For Wong, swapping the vastness of London's social milieu for a scene in which socialising takes place in a fishbowl has been quite a lifestyle change. The single 30-year-old is making a foray into one of the world's most unusual dating landscapes, in which single women are in abundance and first impressions are typically based on the size of man's pay cheque rather than his social skills.

'Dating in Hong Kong is very different,' says marriage and relationship counsellor Sharon Glick. 'You have western women saying that western men are looking for Chinese women, western men thinking they are God's gift, and Chinese men thinking local women are too concerned with money and who go off to China to pick a woman from the cream of the crop there. Dating-wise, it is better to be a man than a woman in Hong Kong.'

Research from the Census and Statistics Department vindicates Glick's view. At last count, in the middle of last year, there were 30 per cent more women than men between the ages of 25 and 34.

'The biggest challenge of dating is that there are many more girls than boys,' Suki So, a 26-year-old marketing executive whose boyfriend is 32. 'At group gatherings, girls usually outnumber boys by about seven to three, so it's hard and very competitive for girls to find a boyfriend.'

'By far the easiest and most common way to meet is in large social groups of friends,' So says. 'People interested in each other will start chatting on MSN afterwards and meet a few more times in groups before starting to date.'

Technology has played a central role in transforming the dating dynamic, particularly for people in their 20s and 30s, and tools such as MSN, Facebook and MySpace have helped to take the fear out of dating. They also provide plenty of scope for singles to declare their every thought, from their relationship status to what type of partner they are seeking. And dating has changed as incomes have risen and new leisure activities have sprung up.

'When I date a girl, I try and do as many different activities with her as possible so I can see what she is like from every angle and really get to know her,' says 24-year-old sales consultant Sean Li.

'Dating now is very different from a generation ago. There are fewer dating rules set by parents. For example, you don't have to send a girl home by midnight. My parents just don't get involved at all.'

Yet although courtship may have evolved, both men and women say bagging a partner remains fiercely competitive.

'You need to have some outstanding feature if you want to attract girls. Finding a girlfriend is easy if you are rich, have a car or have some talent, such as if you're funny. But if you're just an average guy, it's tough,' says Li.

And it isn't any easier for women, apparently.

'Most Hong Kong guys around my age like playing computer games and are not very ambitious or mature,' says So.

'The ones who aren't like that are usually taken, so the best option for a girl in her mid-20s is to find an older boy.'

Nowhere is the gulf between genders more pronounced than in approaches to dating. 'Women have much higher expectations than men when it comes to dating,' says Peter Lee, a 25-year-old derivatives trader.

'Guys focus much more on looking at the person as a whole. For example, when I first date a girl I will see how well I'm able to communicate with her. I'll look for similar interests and a good personality. Women, on the other hand, will judge you from every angle - how well you have planned the date, the quality of the meal, how good the conversation is and even the ambience of the restaurant.'

Meanwhile, a good job with sound career prospects tops the checklist of criteria for many women, and qualities such as decisiveness, generosity and smartness score high on the personality front.

For Jerry Guo, a man's income is important because it gives her a sense of security. 'He must be at least 175cm tall and have a decent job with good pay, of about HK$80,000 to HK$100,000 a month,' says the 25-year-old Shanghai-born marketing consultant who has lived in Hong Kong almost seven years.

'I would consider him if he earned less than that but he would need to show that he has the potential to earn more later.'

Other common expectations of men include being escorted home after a date, thoughtful gifts and paying on most dates.

'I need to feel both mentally and physically secure. Being escorted home will fulfil that physically and if he earns more than me it shows he is smarter and will be able to look after me in the long term. This will give me a sense of mental security,' says Agnes Chan.

Such detailed requirements may seem shallow and unimaginative, but 32-year-old IT professional Lau Wing-tik is quick to point out they have not come from nowhere. 'I think Hong Kong women are particularly demanding because our environment is very materialistic and consumer-focused, so there is always a temptation to buy things,' he says.

Lau, who worked in Taiwan for a year, says men have only themselves to blame for the high standards set by local women. 'Girls have been spoiled by their boyfriends. Hong Kong men are more gentlemanly and sometimes don't know how to handle girls, so once these expectations are set up it's very hard to reverse them.'

Some of these expectations are shifting, however, as women become more independent and assertive. 'The escorting home concept is changing, especially as people are now living further apart. My boyfriend needn't take me home regularly, but once in a while would be good,' So explains.

But it's not just men who are playing the role of initiator; women are going after what they want with just as much vigour. 'I think both men and women are as proactive as each other now,' says Chan. 'Perhaps, sometimes, women are even more so because some boys can be really shy.'

Competition among men for women is also keen, and Timothy Mak Kai-kin, a 24-year-old marketing executive, says speed is of the essence. 'There are heaps of nice guys out there and, given how easy it is to meet people, the girl you are interested in could be taken the next time you meet,' he says.

'You have to act fast.'

Mak says the accelerated pace of courtship is fuelling a high relationship turnover. 'People won't drag on a relationship that isn't working because in Hong Kong there are so many commitments such as work and study, and people are so busy. They don't want to waste time.'

And Hong Kong has not escaped the global trend towards marrying later. The median age of marriage for men was 33 in 2006, up from 31 in 2001. For women, it was 29, up from 28, even though the Census and Statistics Department says many young women remain under significant family pressure to marry young.

Jenny Chan, a 24-year-old, part-time student, moved out on her own last year after becoming fed up with her marriage-obsessed mother. 'My mum doesn't think a girl is complete until she has a husband. She used to nag me about dating all the time, saying I must marry by the age of 27 or be left on the shelf because men prefer to date younger girls.'

To Chan, the eldest of three girls, marriage isn't all that important. 'I would only do it to please my mum. With both sexes equal and women just as active in the workplace as men, we are no longer dependent on men for money, so finding a husband is no longer so necessary.'

Despite the complexities of the city's dating scene, Wong is undeterred. 'I think finding the one in Hong Kong will be easier than in England because people with a similar background to me are much more concentrated here and it is easy to meet people,' he says. 'You can meet a million new people a day. In Britain, that would be much harder to do.'

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