The week ahead
MONDAY AFTER a series of media-fuelled scares concerning his health, Chinese patriarch Deng Xiaoping receives a word of support from an unlikely quarter - Britain's transfer-listed Princess Di. 'All this fuss about his appearance is ridiculous,' said the Princess. 'I mean, if Britain shuddered whenever I appeared on telly after shedding a couple of pounds we'd be in a terrible state.' TUESDAY HONG Kong's television stations seek further guidelines governing the sensitive issue of programming which allegedly glamorises triads. They are told to pay up or shut up.
On tour in Worrascorcha, Northern Territories, Governor Chris Patten defends himself against charges that he is using his trip to drum up support for his electoral reform proposals, and insists he is promoting trade links with the territory. 'Do I hear $150 billion?' he barks. 'Go on, Missus. Buy one airport, get one free. And I tell you what, I'll also throw in a road-rail link and some lovely oranges.' WEDNESDAY MAINLAND-owned corporation CYNIC causes a stir when it decides to sell half of Discovery Bay just a week after buying it. 'To be frank, it was a cock-up,' says an insider. 'The orders from the top were scrambled and somehow San Francisco Bay got lost in translation. When the boys in Beijing realised they had bought into a sub-Lego land sprawl filled with professional footballers and journalists, they flipped.' Late results from Lillehammer: pairs' figure skating (final) - 1. Tonya Harding and Charles Manson (US), 2. Tonya Harding and The Terminator (US), 3. Nancy Kerrigan and Marcus Welby M.D. (US).
THURSDAY IN THE tradition of Chek Lap Kok and the glamorous new KCRC terminus, Wharf announces it has commissioned Philippe Starck to redesign the Hong Kong Tramways headquarters. 'The central motif is one of movement,' says a spokesman for the design team. 'We'd like to capture the flow and grace of a saliva projectile as it leaves the driver' mouth and arcs elegantly on to the tracks.' Embarrassed rock promoters defend themselves after a mix-up leaves thousands of Dr Martens-wearing youngsters staring in bewilderment as Bob Dylan takes the stage at the Government Stadium while 233 hippies gape when Depeche Mode ease their leather-clad buns into the Ko Shan Theatre. 'Hey,' says Andrew Nelsson, 'They asked for Michael Bolton and they got Michael Bolton.' FRIDAY DISTRAUGHT civil servant A.N. Expat calls for tough measures in the wake of the latest case of luxury boat theft. 'The Canberra was like one of the family,' he laments. 'One minute it was there, bobbing away happily in the retirement equation, and the nextit was gone.' The ship is now believed to be operating out of Shanghai as the site of Ted Marr's latest ball.
SATURDAY Late results from Lillehammer: men's 600-mile cross-country skiing, followed by killing then skinning an elk and sitting around a campfire telling jokes and drinking tea out of an enamel-plated cup - 1. A. Fin (FIN), 2. A. N. Other-Fin (FIN), 3. Tonya Harding (US).