China has yet another potential gold medallist - in verbal jousting
Imagine the scene. The new Olympic sport of verbal jousting. Ringside are commentators Barry and sidekick pundit Roy, an Olympic veteran. The jingle of an ad ends and historic sports action is poised to begin ...
Commentator 1 (Barry): 'A warm welcome to those tuning in at home to the 2008 Beijing Olympics ... Here we are in the auxiliary fencing venue, a former press conference hall, for some top-draw salut des armes.
'It's a splendid setting for what we believe will be another blistering bout of this new Olympic sport, verbal jousting, between the world's free press and the combo consisting of the IOC and the Communist-led Games organiser Bocog.'
Commentator 2 (Roy): 'Absolutely, Barry. It's been a great five days but you feel the gloves are coming off today. I expect to see some real sweat and gristle out there on the floor. We have the world's best performers assembled. I've covered 15 Olympics and as I was saying only last night, I've never ...'
C1: 'Got to stop you there, Roy. The world's press has been assembled for some time and at last, here come their contestants, led by Bocog's Sun Weide ...'
C2: 'No surprises there, Barry...'
C1: 'And here's the IOC's Giselle Davies. And look Roy! There's the new hero, Wang Wei, Bocog's executive vice-president and secretary-general. He's a rising star, don't you think, defending the hosts with aplomb?'
C2: 'Absolutely Barry, I'm a big fan of Wang. I have been watching him ever since Beijing's bid for the Games. He's a maverick, not what you usually find in Bocog's stable. Those few years of overseas training have made him a force to be reckoned with, I reckon.'
C1: 'True, but I don't think we've seen the best of him yet. But what do you make of Giselle, Roy, the IOC's chief communication officer? She's put in an average performance over the previous rounds. She looks a little nervous. Is she on her game?'
C2: 'Hard to say, Barry. But you can sense in the air the pack are gunning for a showdown today.' Cue Olympic sponsors' messages that last an hour or more ...
C1: 'Ooof! Did you see that, Roy! An Advance-Lunge by the media. Judges are going to score high for that ... Welcome back viewers, where you join us at an amazing contest ... The world's free press appear to have Bocog and the IOC on the ropes.'
C2: 'That's gonna hurt in the morning - and in the headlines. A classic fleche. High marks, there. Fox News took their time. But the delivery, once it came, accusing the home team of human rights' abuse, appears to have rattled the hosts.
'The organisers just cannot shake off this Olympic protest parks controversy. It keeps coming back at them like a red hot boomerang made of thistles. I'm not sure if Bocog can recover, Barry.'
C1: 'Tough call, Roy ... Giselle's footwork is failing her, and her forward recovery is lacking - woefully below par.
'And look! Ooooohhhh deariee me! This could be interesting, folks. Channel 4 news has got a microphone and he's not going to let go of it easily - despite the volunteer tugging at his shirtsleeve. They are on a mission to discredit the whole 2008 Olympics over broken promises ...'
Cue British reporter asking Giselle Davies four times and more if the IOC 'is embarrassed over China's broken promises' to improve their human rights record and media freedoms for the Games.
C2: 'She keeps parrying the jibes, Barry, but the attack is relentless. She won't - or can't - answer the simple yes or no question. She's been outmanoeuvred. She's speechless. If I was the ref, I'd step in and stop the contest ...'
C1: 'Roy, we are witnessing a make-or-break point here and it looks as though the IOC are about to lose and descend into the dark old days ... Hang on! ... This is unbelievable! Wang Wei wants to speak! He's fumbling with the microphone. He's coming to the rescue!'
C2: 'I've covered 28 Olympics and I've never seen the like of this before. Remarkable.'
Cue Wang Wei, who delivers a passionate speech to the world media, explaining how China has changed drastically over the past 30 years, how its people's lives have improved with more money, more freedom. China welcomes constructive criticism and advice. The majority of the nation is happier than they used to be, he says.
Visitors are surprised modern China is not what they were led to believe in the media - more modern, with happy, friendly people. We have our problems and not everyone is happy, but most of us are, says Wang. Just join with us and celebrate the festival of the Olympics, he says.
C1: 'Sensational. What was that, Roy?'
C2: 'That, Barry was what they call in fencing terms a Ballestra Lunge - it's an attack that throws your opponent off balance if used correctly. Only the best in the business deploy that. Wang has just rescued the IOC.'
C1: 'An amazing recovery, Roy. I think he's floored them.'
C2: 'Indeed, Barry - for today at least.'
C1: 'Touche, Roy. Folks, what can we say ... Amazing.'
