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Talk your way out of trouble

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Why you can trust SCMP
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Easy two-way conversation is a great idea. The theory goes that two disagreeing parties choose to mediate, negotiate and discuss proactively rather than plunge into out-and-out war.

Instead of screaming, swearing and stomping their feet like frustrated toddlers, they obtain exactly what they want, when they want it, and float off in a pastel pink cloud full of sweetness and light, at peace with all mankind.

Putting this happy theory into practice is tougher than it sounds. More often than not, whether in the boardroom, the bedroom, across the kitchen table or battling over the television remote, we find ourselves refusing to talk or, if we open our mouths, bristle with rage and frustration.

Anger, guilt and hurt, all of these and more are products of conversations that go wrong. And our relationships at work, with friends, with our children or our neighbours are all potential collateral damage.

But there is a solution. The product of years of intensive research by the Harvard Negotiation Project (HNP), a specialist department at Harvard University in the United States, one small blue book is designed to help us flick a switch and learn to talk sensibly and effectively.

The crux of the title, Difficult Conversations, is that we need to take a systematic approach to diagnosing communication and relationship problems. By doing so, we can transform those dreaded, difficult conversations into what the HNP calls learning conversations. In this way, said the book's authors, HNP affiliates, co-founders and negotiation experts Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen, every human contact could be more fulfilling, regardless of differences of experience, belief or feeling.

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