ask toni & josh
Dear Toni
My best friend has been acting really strange lately. Two weeks ago, we went to a party together, and I made friends with a bunch of new people. Ever since then, she's been acting up. I thought she'd get over it and be fine the next day, but things only kept getting worse.
Every day, things get more awkward. What's worse is that I've started noticing her faults. The more she ignores me, the more annoyed I get.
I love my best friend, and I really want to ask her what's wrong. But I'm scared that it'll turn into a fight and everything will go wrong.
What should I do?
Rock/Hard place
Dear Dilemma Dolly
The very fact that you have written to me proves you care about your friend. That's a very good start in terms of your relationship. Friendship is never easy, especially when you're still pretty young and still have a lot to learn on how you function and who you are.
Some people feel more comfortable when they are surrounded by a group of people; others feel oppressed or shy in such situations, and prefer one-on-one moments. Your friend and you might be developing very different profiles. Perhaps you are more of an extrovert than she is, and feel comfortable talking to new people. If she is introverted, she may clam up when faced with strangers.
Your friend might also be struggling with the idea of sharing her best friend. When we are very young, we tend to imagine our best friend is ours and nobody else's. Exclusivity in a friendship can result in very good friends, devoted and faithful, but it can also make it hard when one friend meets other people whose company they enjoy.
As for noticing her faults, this is natural. It's a bit like when you're young, and someone gives you a new toy. Suddenly your old stuff looks really dull in comparison. But you've built a relationship with your friend, and your shared memories are part of what makes you you, so don't be so quick to criticise her.
If this friendship is important to you, you need to discuss her behaviour with her. The situation will only get worse if you let it brew. Find a time when you can get her on her own and asking her frankly what the matter is. Explain that the way she is acting is puzzling and upsetting, and that you need the truth. If she won't answer, ask if your new friends are the reason she's acting up.
If the friendship is important to her, she will explain her behaviour. I don't think this has to be a major issue - people change and grow apart, but you have a solid friendship base, you will get through the storm.
