The world according to Arj

PUBLISHED : Saturday, 12 June, 2010, 12:00am
UPDATED : Saturday, 12 June, 2010, 12:00am

Global warming 'Everyone's coming up to me half in tears, 'Arj what about global warming?' Everybody's convinced that the earth has a problem - because it's so hot. But how come I don't hear a single intelligent individual aside from myself suggest the seemingly obvious possibility that the earth is just fine, thank you, but there's something wrong with the sun!

'Of course, I'm not a scientist, but I'm pretty sure that son of a bitch is where all the heat is coming from. All I'm saying is, when I burn my toast, I don't blame the bread.'

Technology 'I had to buy a new printer the other day. The printer I wanted was like US$200, but I figured out that if I bought a printer/copier/scanner/faxer/coffee maker/clay oven/tennis racquet re-stringer, it's like US$8.95. And I had to ask myself: why would it be that by paying less, I get more? And I've figured out there's only one logical answer. The giant, multinational, mega-corporations really just want me to be happy.'

Cats 'You know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or Kathmandu, or wherever your hairy ass is from! This is America - around here Katmandon't.'

Top secret 'Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets unless, you know, they have the Discovery Channel. Then, it's easy, just tune in for a few minutes.'

Paranoia 'Anybody see Cop Land? I went to see it, but I got stoned in the parking lot. And then on the way in, I read the movie title, and I got paranoid and went home.'