Do you come here often ...?
Location: Joe Bananas.
Time: Wednesday night, 10.30 pm.
Target: Singaporean air hostess, mid-20s wearing knee-length tights. Sitting at a table with friends.
TH: Nice tights. Do you do all your shopping in mainland China? T: Noooo, these are from Hong Kong. They are very fashionable.
TH: You sure? T: Of course. It says so in magazines.
TH: Really, which one? T: Er. I can't remember.
TH: Pity because I'm a lawyer. We could sue.
T: Lawyer, huh? (Several minutes of lawyer talk later ...) TH: Funny how these Long Island iced teas make everyone seem more beautiful.
T: Yes. Ha ha ha.
TH: We should drink some more another time. Do you have a phone number? T: Sure.
Location: Neptune II.
Time: Sunday, 7 pm.
Target: Filipina, mid-20s, tight stone-washed denim jeans, sweater tucked into waistband, mass of wiry hair, slightly chubby.
TH: Hi. Can I have your phone number? T: Oh my god. Er. OK. But you have to phone in the afternoon.
Location: Immigration Tower, waiting lounge.
Target: Cynical-looking, paunchy American man, late 30s, blue striped shirt, green tie, round wire-rim glasses.
ADG: Excuse me, didn't we meet before in a cafe in Montmartre? T: (Staring, unamused) You're pulling my leg, right? ADG: No, I'm not. Don't you remember? Red wine, Edith Piaf. You in a black turtleneck and beret.
T: (Still unsmiling) Now I know you're joking. I think I would have remembered that.
ADG: Well, we can try a cafe in Hong Kong. Can I have your telephone number? T: Well, I don't think my wife would like it ... but you could call me at work.
ADG: So can I have your number? T: Uh, OK.
Location: KPS Video Express, Prince's Building.
Target: Handsome Cantonese businessman, early 30s, browsing the CD-ROM section.
ADG: Excuse me.
T: Yes? ADG: Hi. I'm wondering if you can help me. I'm looking for romance - and I don't mean the film section.
T: (Blinking) Uh ... uh ... I think that perhaps you might like to speak to the staff for help.
ADG: Oh. OK. Thanks.
Location: Immigration Tower, escalators.
Time: 3 pm.
Target: Young, good-looking Filipina in tight everything.
TH: There is an easier way to get your visa, you know.
T: Oh? What? TH: Marry an Englishman.
T: Oh yeah, what Englishman? TH: How about you give me your phone number and we could talk about it over dinner ... er ...
T: Sure, let me write it on your arm. (Target writes.) Hey, are you sure you're not married already? Location: Cultural Centre, contemporary art section.
Time: 3.30 pm.
Target: Blonde English tourist, mid-20s, bright pink shorts and T-shirt. She is looking intently at some modern Hong Kong scene. She is pretty but her face is lightly pitted with acne.
TH: You know, there is only one real work of art in this gallery.
T: Oh, where's that? TH: Right here. You.
T: Jeez. That supposed to be some sort of pick-up line? TH: No, I'm serious. I think you're the Venus de Milo with arms.
T: This is surreal. I think you're an idiot.
(Target moves off.) Location: MTR.
Time: 6 pm.
Target: Chinese office girl, early 20s, shoulder-length hair, black and yellow suit.
TH: (Sitting down next to her) Do you go all the way? T: Pardon? TH: Do you go all the way to Sheung Wan? T: No. I change trains at Admiralty.
(Target pulls out book and begins reading.) TH: Hey, wait a minute ... you're that actress who's on the television.
(Target says nothing and when the train stops she moves down the carriage.) Location: Mid-Levels escalator, just above Hollywood Road.
Target: A tanned, athletic American-born Chinese in a grey suit.
ADG: Hi. Do you come here often? T: Sorry? What? ADG: I said, do you come here often? T: The escalator? Uh, no. Usually I take a minibus. Are you taking a survey or something? ADG: No. But I wouldn't mind taking your telephone number.
T: What? You don't fool around, do you? Get straight to the point.
ADG: The point is, can I have your phone number? T: This is kind of weird. Am I on Candid Camera or something? (Target disembarks at Caine Road.) Place: KPS video store, Cityplaza.
Time: 4 pm.
Target: Chinese student, 20, dressed mostly in denim. Pretty face.
TH: Hi, sorry to bother you but I wonder if you could recommend a good Chinese movie.
T: Yes, of course, what sort of movie do you like? TH: Oh, I dunno. Romance, maybe.
T: Well, this is good.
(Target shows me a whole range of movies and tells me what she has seen lately. We talk about movies for a few minutes and finally we settle on C'est La Vie Mon Cherie.) TH: Hey, thanks, I'm really grateful. Say, why don't I repay the favour by taking you to see a movie sometime this week.
T: No. I don't think that would be a good idea.
Location: Immigration Tower, enquiries queue.
Target: Slightly balding Chinese man, late 30s, grey sweatshirt and jeans.
ADG: Excuse me. Didn't we meet before in a cafe in Montmartre? T: Oh, ni hao ma. Ni shi zhong guo ren ma? (Translation: Oh, hello. Are you Chinese?) ADG: Wo? Dui. Wo shi Meiguo huaqiao. (Me? Yes. I am American overseas Chinese.) T: Ni shi hen gao. Ni shi Beijingren ma? (You are very tall. Is your family from Beijing?) ADG: Dui. Wo shi Beijingren. (Yes, we're from Beijing.) Do you speak English? Can I have your ...
T: Yes. I am Eric. Here, I give you my phone number.
(Target grabs an Immigration Department Performance Pledge pamphlet from the Enquiries desk, scribbles on it.) T: Home number here. Office number here. You call me this afternoon.
ADG: Uh, OK. I have to go now. Nice to meet you.
Location: Ho Gallery, Lan Kwai Fong.
Target: Hong Kong Chinese man in early 60s, age-wise and fashion-wise. Blue blazer, white slacks, pink shirt with cravat, Jackie O glasses, topped by bad toupee and waving a sandalwood fan.
ADG: Are you with the gallery? T: No, I'm not. Why? ADG: Because you look like a work of art.
T: Oh, do I? What's your name? You have a nice rear end.
(Target places his hands on my backside.) ADG: Can I have your phone number? T: Sure.
Location: Joe Bananas.
Time: Wednesday night, midnight or worse.
Target: Slim, beautiful, American-born Chinese woman dressed in black.
TH: (With an exaggerated British accent) Hullo there. If you don't mind me saying that dress looks great on you.
T: Oh. Erm. Thanks.
TH: But it would look much better on my bedroom floor.
T: Yeah. What? TH: I said it would look super on my bedroom floor.
T: I can't believe you said that. Jesus, this place is primitive.
Location: Ho Gallery.
Target: Arty Englishman, 30-ish, wearing natural fibres waistcoat and trousers. Carefully groomed goatee. Studying ghastly wooden sculpture constructed of dismantled chairs and tables.
ADG: (Glancing towards sculpture) I think it has phallic overtones.
T: Oh yeah? Where? ADG: (Staring at his crotch) Look closer. Definitely phallic overtones.
T: Do you like odd pieces of wood? Because I have a collection of it at my flat on Lamma.
ADG: Yeah. I love wood. Can I have your phone number? T: Sure.
Place: Jusco supermarket, frozen food section.
Time: 4 pm.
Target: Hot, hot, hot Japanese housewife in leather skirt, white shirt, black stockings.
TH: Excuse me, madam. It is dangerous for you to be here.
T: Why? TH: Because you might melt everything.
T: (Bowing slightly) Er ... he he he ... I ... hee hee hee (edging away) ... I don't understand your meaning.
Location: Ho Gallery.
Target: Cantonese photographer in utility vest and jeans.
ADG: Hi. So, haven't we met before? T: Uh, me. Uh, no. Uh, I don't think so.
ADG: I'm positive of it. What is your name? T: Uh, sorry. I must go back to work now.
(Target hurriedly walks off.)