Connecting with teenagers means putting yourself in their world
When your teenager asks if she can go for an evening out with her friends, how do you respond? Even when parents say they will think about it, the response from the child may be: 'You never say yes to anything!'
Many people think that as they grow older, their job as parents will grow easier. That's not how things seem to parents of teenagers. The transition from being physically involved with a baby to supervising a child and then a teenager is barely noticeable at first. But as the arguments increase, the rift seems more prominent than ever.
Your teenager is living in a world of protest and rebellion. One way to understand and help her would be to revisit your adolescence. Relate to her world, her problems, by talking about your own at that age. Make it as close as possible to what you think she is going through. This shows her you understand.
There will be some laughter and some disappointment in these conversations. Your child may find you old-fashioned or your parents 'too strict'. These conversations allow her to better understand the reasons behind a certain 'no'.
However, being the parent of a teenager means that you have to enforce boundaries. It is tempting and, at times, easier to give in to the whining and pestering. This is counterproductive, as teenagers need to understand and respect self-control and responsibility.
Take the initiative and the time to sit down and discuss the rules and possible consequences. This is a good time for your teenager to learn about responsibility. Social rules and consequences for underage drinking, drugs and so on can be discussed along with the downside of these activities - 'What happens if the police catch you with alcohol on your breath?' As parents, you will want to keep your child safe; it is important they understand this.
As an individual, identify your own goals, objectives and values. Your child will then know exactly who she is working with. Keep a separate sense of self so that you can experience your child's world more objectively. Your reactions will be more appropriate if you don't get caught in the emotional drama - common statements like 'but you nag me all the time' can be annoying, but an even-toned response such as 'Well, I wish you would finish it, so I won't need to repeat myself', or 'If you prefer to take responsibility and do it yourself, I understand' will be easier.
Be honest with your child. Teenagers like to know the truth and they are able to pick up when a parent is not being honest. It may seem harsh, but tell them how it is, especially when they are crossing a line. This also gives them an idea of how the adult world works - when you are upset and worried it's ruining your relationship, go ahead and say, 'This constant arguing with you about timings is draining. I do not want us to be angry all the time.'
Teenagers can be pushy. They have the knack of wearing parents down. Teach them the art of negotiation - 'Let's talk about how this plan may play out'. Don't let them manipulate you, but if the request is reasonable, go ahead and discuss the rules and consequences, along with what can be changed.
Parenting requires both parents to have a united front. It is not uncommon for one parent to feel 'I hardly get any time with them, so I don't want to say no and upset them', leaving the other parent to be sole disciplinarian. You will need to put aside your different opinions and focus on how to connect with and help your teenager.
'Good cop, bad cop' parenting is not helpful. It is important to use the same approach and support each other's decisions, otherwise your child will be confused. Both parents may not have the perfect balance, but the message your teenager should get from both parents should be consistent.
Anuradha Mathur is a clinical therapist
