When Lucy Mitchell discovered her 41-year-old husband was having an affair with a teenager, she feared it sounded the death knell for a marriage that had been struggling for some time.
'We were already having marriage counselling, as our relationship had become quite distant. I was busy with children and he was wrapped up with work, and relationships do have ups and downs. When I found out about the affair, I thought it was a typical mid-life crisis. But four months later it was still going on.' Mitchell (not her real name) finally asked him to move out.
It's the classic scenario for divorce. One of the partners meets someone else and the marriage breaks down. New York-based divorce expert, psychotherapist and author of Getting Up, Getting Over, Getting On: A Twelve-Step Guide to Divorce Recovery, Micki McWade, has seen it all.
'The best outcome of a divorce is when the couple mutually decides the marriage isn't satisfying, and is no longer viable. This is rarely the case. The most painful reason for separation is another person is preferred over the spouse. This is excruciating for the partner and wounds him or her deeply. It actually brings up a primitive rage and a lot of damage can be done when the wounded spouse realises what's been going on. This person is unable to negotiate until the information is absorbed.'
The four months leading up to Mitchell's separation were, she says, the worst time of her life. Petrified of her marriage ending, she began to suffer from panic attacks, insomnia and general bad health. 'My life was falling apart. But eventually I thought to myself, I'm better than this, I don't have to take it, and I asked him to move out. I think he wanted to go, but didn't have the guts to leave himself. I just wanted to fast forward the clock to a time when I would be over the pain. But I know now that dealing with the pain is actually part of the healing process.'
According to McWade, no one is left unscathed when it comes to divorce. But surprisingly, the instigator - the adulterer/abuser/addict - is often left more damaged than the injured partner. 'If there has been an affair while married, initially the partner having the affair has it easier emotionally. Later on, when the pink cloud of the new relationship lifts, he or she may see the person isn't who he thought she was.