Santa talks turkey: who’s been naughty or nice for global markets this year?
No presents for Janet Yellen this year
My lunch guest arrived at Noel’s Brasserie in Holly Wood Road, on a silent Varoufakis electric drone. A commotion erupted as a large middle-aged man alighted, dressed entirely in red, with the words “Beard by Gillette” plastered across his ample midriff.
I stood up as San Claus PhD, founder of leading hedge fund manager MagicDust Investors and friend of children worldwide arrived at the table. He clasped my hand in a mighty grip. I pretended not to wince and resumed my seat.
“Mr Claus, or San, if I may call you that.” “Certainly,” he replied, “only my mother calls me Santa”, letting out a bellow of laughter that startled a waitress who dropped several plates.
“My first question is has it been a good year for equity investors?”
San let out a guffaw sufficient to flicker the lights. “It’s been a year of sound and fury signifying nothing. Look at the S&P 500; first up 2 per cent, then down 6 per cent, now up 2 per cent for the whole year. But if you missed Tencent, Google or Amazon you missed all the returns. This kind of small or patchy volatility is terrible for hedge funds as it means that your long positions should be shorts and your shorts, longs.”
The Greeks originally had the naughty prize but they have discovered obedience now that the European bailout money is flowing
He broke off to order lunch. “I’ll have the turkey,” he boomed, “my favourite.” “What about the vegetables?” said the waiter. “You mean my clients? They’ll have turkey too!” The deafening roar left most of the Christmas decorations on the floor.