This column receives various email responses, mostly from fans, but some which are just bizarre.
Once recently started: “Listen Fenton. I read that piece of c**p you wrote in the Post on 24 Dec.”(An inoffensive piece about David Tang’s new venture,Tang Tang Tang.)
He continued: “Rarely have I read a bigger load of s**t in my life. Are you seriously telling us educated, civilized human beings that we need to read the drivel, the unadulterated dross that you spout? I hope that you have the most awful Christmas ever.”
This was signed Martin Heyes, tour guide, www.walkhongkong.com. Depriving Mr. Heyes of the oxygen of attention seemed advisable, so I ignored him. He wasn’t happy. He wrote again. “What's the matter? Why haven't you answered my e-mail?”
More fun was the recent missive from Knut Wüstenhöferr, headed: “My Fax to Mr. Cecil Chao Sze-tsung: Concerning my will to merry his attractive daughter Gigi.” He wished to claim the much-publicised HK$500 million offered by property magnate Cecil Chao for a husband for his lesbian daughter Gigi.
“Honoured Mrs Fenton!” he began. “On Thursday I sent Mr. Chao a fax, expressing my will to marry his daughter, and also to introduce myself, so that Mr. Chao knows a little bit from me: I am German, to this time still in Switzerland. I am a scripter.”
He explained he was a writer of political poems, non fiction and criminal stories. He had already faxed “Mr. Chao's firm: The Cheuk Nang Holdings,” but didn’t know if it had been received. He would “fastest like to step in email contact with Mr.Chao.” Could I help?
Since October 2012, he had lost 20kg and wanted to shed a further 25kg, “so that at the end of loosing my weight I arrive at 70kg.""Please tell Mr.Chao this, because for sure he will want a best figured son-in-law!” I will endeavour to oblige.