Asian Provocateur | 10 ways in which we can make room for all those children now the one-child policy is lifted

Ah, it has long been said that the world is but a small place and one getting smaller by the minute. That’s a particularly alarming notion given that the mainland Mandarins have now decreed that ever larger proportions of it will be taken up by diminutive Chinese folk. Children that is, not those born vertically-challenged thanks to something toxic wafting in from Guangdong way.

Assuming there’s now 1.4 billion Chinese, give or take a little hukou fast and loosery, let’s say just 4% opt to install bunkbeds over the next 12 months. That’s 56 million mini-mainlanders to be phased in the course of the next year. That’s roughly two North Koreas. And the one we already have seems a little superfluous.

The truth is something has to go. If we’re going to make way for the enhanced progeny of the Middle Kingdom’s middle classes, we’re going to have to dispense with many of those already blocking the ginnels and byways of the workaday world. Fortunately, there’s many that are clearly only far too surplus for requirements, current or future. Handily, I have a little list, which I always keep about my person, which highlights just where we could find the extra acreage required for the imminent arrival of all these bouncing baby Beijingers and little Dalian darlings.

1) Hipsters

Even before they were so last year, they were so 1950’s Amish. “Look at me I can grow facial hair, while failing to manifest any trace of individuality or wit.” Get them on the van. They won’t be missed.

2) Anyone with a dog smaller than six inches in length