Book review: Thanks for the Feedback, by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen

by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen
Penguin
3.5 stars
David Wilson

Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen have taught negotiation at Harvard Law School for two decades. Their line is that other consultants over-stress the art of giving feedback, neglecting how to receive it. Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well sets out to redress the balance - a vital task, say the authors, because feedback usually riles the contact or colleague at the sharp end.

"The co-worker is upset and defensive, and ends up less motivated, not more," they write, adding the resistance may be justified, for reasons such as: "The feedback is unfair or off base. It's poorly timed and even more poorly delivered. And it's not clear why the giver thinks they are qualified to offer an opinion; they may be the boss, but they don't really understand what we do or the constraints we're under."

Despite the high risk that feedback involves, it can be delivered successfully, the authors say, splitting their subject into three tiers: appreciation, coaching and evaluation. Likewise, they map three triggers liable to cause friction.

The first, the "truth trigger", is set off by the feedback's substance, which may be "off", unhelpful or untrue. The "relationship trigger" is tripped by existing tension between giver and recipient. The "identity trigger" is personal: it hits a nerve, causing the receiver to feel ashamed or threatened, for example.

The authors advise that you recognise your blind spots and avoid switchbacks: do not let your emotions shunt a challenging chat sideways. Also, identify the "relationship system" - establish who is at fault and must change. In addition, learn how wiring and temperament shape your outlook - understand your built-in neural connections.