Labelling your ex-partner won't help the children

You mustered a lot of courage and determination to walk out of an emotionally abusive relationship. Research shows that emotional abuse can leave scars that are hard to heal. In fact, it takes strength to acknowledge what happened, how you contributed to it (conflict avoidance often fuels narcissistic behaviour) and learn from the experience so that you can take charge of your life again.

Reading is often one way that can lead to recovery, but healing is not an easy thing to do on your own.

It is tempting to self-diagnose or diagnose those around us with our newfound knowledge. It is easy to turn to the checklist in a manual on mental disorders, tick the boxes and say that someone fits a certain label. But how objective can one be?

If your ex-husband does have all the traits of narcissistic personality disorder, you must have also read that most people with the condition don't seek help voluntarily, as the way they deal with conflict does not bother them but those around them.

You are rightly concerned about the impact the father might have on your children and how his conscious and unconscious messages will shape the children's developing self-esteem and sense of self. But in dealing with people suffering from personality disorders it doesn't help to tag them as such. Labelling short-changes a person's potential, and no one can be labelled as just one particular personality type or ability in all situations.

Labelling sets the parent up for failure and will hinder your children's ability to deal with conflict and disappointment not only with a parent but for life.