How Tiger Moms and hovering parents can damage a child’s ability to cope with life’s challenges
A Singapore study that followed hundreds of primary-age children for five years discovered that perfectionist parenting styles may make children excessively self-critical and undermine their confidence and self-belief
Even if you were horrified at the idea of hovering over your child as Amy Chua did in her polarising 2011 bestseller Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, I’m betting there was a part of you that looked at her perfect children with at least a tinge of envy. As portrayed in the book, Chua’s magic formula of no play dates, no TV and always being No. 1 in everything (except for gym and drama, of course) ended up producing two girls who were straight-A students and who also were wildly talented in music. Oh, and they both ended up going to Harvard University.
Critics predicted that daughters Sophia and Lulu would end up being “mentally ill, friendless robots”, according to a recent “where are they now” profile in The Telegraph in the UK. Instead, they ended up being “polite, modest and thoughtful” as well as successful, the article says, and they remember their childhood as tough – but happy.
But are the sisters the norm or exception to this type of parenting?
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The work looks at the dark side of perfectionism – maladaptive perfectionism, in research parlance – and how this develops in schoolchildren.
Scientists measured what they called “parental intrusiveness” in the first year of the study by asking the child to solve some puzzles while a parent – whichever one was more involved in care – was present. They told the parents that they should feel free to help the child whenever necessary and then secretly rated their behaviour. Their goal was to figure out whether the parents interfered with the child’s problem-solving and whether that help was needed.