How couples can survive, even thrive, after one partner’s affair
Not all relationships can be salvaged, but if both partners are prepared to examine why trust was breached and work at rebuilding it, forgiving and forgetting can lead to stronger bonds, experts say
If a spouse or partner were unfaithful, would you leave? The answer for many couples is not clear-cut, according to relationship experts.
“I would have done once but I’ve changed my views,” says a friend, Sam. “It depends on how intimate things were between the cheater and other party. It also depends on whether there was alcohol involved.”
Abbie agrees. “Years ago I would have said leave, immediately. However, things are not that simple. There are many different types of infidelity and many reasons for it.”
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Jane is in the same camp. “It depends on so many things, desires, happiness. Nobody wants to be unhappy in a relationship.”
Carrie says the length of any infidelity would have to be considered. “Was it a single night? Did it last a month? More?” But Nat is certain: “I don’t think I could stay, even if I wanted to. I could probably forgive but would be incapable of trusting my partner again, and in the end the lack of trust would lead to the toxic end to the relationship.”
Hong Kong relationship counsellor Nikki Green says it’s difficult to assess the percentage of marriages or relationships that fail after an affair.
I went to prostitutes as a way to at least get some sex but not fall in love with someone else, so I could be there for my kids
“I think it’s very high. That shouldn’t, however, be an indicator of whether it’s possible to repair a relationship afterwards. I think there’s an enormous chance for both reparation and even improvement, but due to the complexities of relationships in general, and the trauma caused by the destruction of trust, the research shows that without help the odds are pretty low,” Green says.