Relationships: how selective internet usage can benefit shy children

My seven-year-old daughter is very quiet and does not have many friends. She is spending more time on Facebook and playing online games. Recently, we went to the birthday party of a friend’s child and she sat in the corner and played on her iPad. Later, she said she didn’t feel comfortable playing with children she didn’t know. Should we take away her laptop and iPad? We are worried that she is becoming an internet addict.

I have not met your daughter and can’t comment on if she might be in danger of becoming an internet “addict”. But as parents, it is easy for us to give in to the temptation of letting our kids be entertained by electronic babysitters (gadgets, online games) while we are out, or simply having a quiet moment by ourselves.

It is an art to strike a balance between making good use of what technology offers and building a close relationship through shared experiences.

Before the internet, children and adults had more “real-time reality” and “off time”. We were not constantly in touch virtually with friends and families. We had more down time to reflect on what was going on and develop the ability to live in the quiet moment, without constant stimulation.

One of the dangers for children who are constantly online is that “real-time reality” can be frustratingly slow. They have to wait, take turns, ask politely to get what they want and negotiate with others.

How can children develop social skills and learn to resolve conflicts when they are not given the opportunity to have those experiences when they are young and the consequences are relatively little? And how about the value of idle time, the capacity to be on one’s own?