Relationships: how to manage the nanny-child bond without feeling threatened
Bond between child and nanny shouldn't be seen as a threat
The emotional minefield between a working mother and her nanny, or "shadow mother", seems to be an unavoidable aspect of contemporary motherhood. When I googled "jealous of my nanny", the result was a striking 313,000 hits. Many working mums are jealous of their nannies, but not many are able to admit it openly. Others are so wracked with guilt that they see their nannies as life rafts and are anxious to please both helper and child.
It must be hard to see your son relating better to the nanny more than to you. You seem to be going through a range of emotions, but based on what you have written, the situation does not need to be an impasse.
Many helpers tend to take the easy route, letting the children take charge instead of setting boundaries, simply because it is more convenient to give in. But experienced and responsible nannies are able to set firm limits. It sounds like you are very lucky to have an experienced nanny who is able to help your child listen to rules. Developing the ability to tolerate frustration and to listen might be the best gifts that you can provide for a strong-willed child.
Instead of seeing the attachment as a threat, maybe you could get her to share her secrets. A good nanny shares what she knows about the child. She might adore your son, but without the intense emotional investment of a mother, she can see your son more objectively and know what works.
Most working parents get by on intuition and advice from books and others, but let's face it, that's obviously not working if your son doesn't respond well to your attempts to manage his behaviour. Instead of seeking parenting advice from professionals, why not ask your nanny? You have much to gain by retaining a nanny who is good with your son.