The Hang Seng Index has slumped, experiencing its most extreme one-day decline in 3.5 years. The reason? Fears about the fate of Greece, and of course the Chinese stock market, which lost US$2.8 trillion in market capitalization in a week. Spooked by the market? We’ve consulted HK Magazine’s totally unqualified financial advisors to come up with this advice:
Buy: Drachmas. If the Greek government is forced to pull out of the Euro and reintroduce the drachma, economists fear widespread monetary devaluation and maybe even a limited lifespan for the new-old currency. However, they haven’t taken into account the Hong Kong appetite for meaningless collectibles. Hongkongers will queue to buy limited-edition drachma notes, pumping millions of dollars of foreign investment into Greece’s ailing economy. It’ll be back on its feet in no time, until investors realize that the currency won’t be limited edition if the country succeeds, so there’s no reason to buy them all up.
Sell: Your Old LaserDisc Collection. It’s time to admit it: LaserDiscs are never going to be big again. Dump those stacks of ancient Roman Tam Live in Concert discs (or better yet, send them to disgraced ex-Chief Secretary and classical music aficionado Rafael Hui, C/O The Warden, Stanley Prison). Then buy something that will actually stand the test of time, like an iPhone 5c.
Buy: Gatsby Hair Jam. If the insanely advertised hair product is halfway near as effective as it claims, it’ll prop up your portfolio no problem.
Sell: Lock of Hair Clipped from the Whiskers of John Tsang. Have you been painstakingly hoarding those strands captured from the mighty mustache of Financial Secretary John Tsang? With Xi Jinping singling out the man for a handshake last month, rumors are rife that he’s destined for further promotion. Now’s the time to sell your memento for a considerable profit: The relic is rumored to instill ludicrous amounts of fiscal conservatism in all those who caress it.
Buy: WhatsApp Shares. The instant messaging application is already an integral part of life for all Hongkongers, but in recent weeks we’ve discovered that even our city’s politicians do stupid things on WhatsApp. At this point, it’s just too big to fail.
Sell: Bitcoin. If you remember the virtual currency Bitcoin, you’ve already made a loss on it.
Buy: Chinese Stocks. As we’ve seen, it doesn’t matter what actually happens in the domestic China market. The CCP is terrified of a slump and will therefore back the hell out of its stocks. You literally can’t lose. YOU CAN’T LOSE!
Sell: Your Firstborn Child. How else are you going to afford a two-bed place in Kennedy Town?