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HK Magazine Archive

Devaluation Nation

PUBLISHED : Thursday, 13 August, 2015, 4:00pm
UPDATED : Wednesday, 19 October, 2016, 4:47pm

China’s Central bank has repeatedly devalued the yuan in an effort to soothe its turbulent stock market. But it’s not the only thing that could do with a bit of downwards momentum. Here are some other things we should be devaluing in the SAR.

The life’s work of singer/actor Andy Lau.
Enough is enough. Sure, “Infernal Affairs” was pretty good. But it’s time someone took a stand and objected to all those stupid Osim massage chair ads. THIS HAS TO END!

The yuan, still further.
The less value the yuan has, the more we can take advantage of the strong Hong Kong dollar by comparison. Which means that at long last, we can book that once-in-a-lifetime trip to picturesque Lanzhou, “The Landlocked Polluted Venice of the East.”

The achievements of your friends and loved ones.
The only way to feel better about your own lack of success is to engage in a sustained campaign of emotional abuse towards those around you. So your BFF made VP at his investment bank? Shame he has no soul. Your wife is finally quitting her job to to back to school? Great, even more of a financial burden. Your only child got straight As at school? Pity he’s fat and lisps. Soon they’ll be so demoralized that you will naturally rise to the top, like scum on water.

The price of a cocktail in Central.
It’s all well and good arranging to meet your friends for a couple of quick ones on Wyndham, but paying $150 for a watered-down glass of vodka and hoping that anything will happen other than a slow decline into penury is a pointless exercise. As Einstein said, the defi nition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. And he didn’t have to pay $90 for a draft Tsingtao.

Abalone.
Let’s drop the facade once and for all and finally agree that abalone is a tasteless rubbery mess that’s only prized because it’s relatively difficult to get hold of and looks like an aquatic vagina.

Your hopes and dreams.
A 50 percent reduction in our hopes for the future will result in a more attainable set of goals: semidemocracy, a lifetime of renting tiny flats and settling for an adequate, if unspectacular, partner are all eminently achievable objectives that will leave us feeling more complete, if not more fulfilled. Besides, what is retirement for if not to look bitterly back at the mundane reality your life has become and wonder what might have been?