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HK Magazine Archive

Top Decolonization Tips

PUBLISHED : Thursday, 24 September, 2015, 4:00pm
UPDATED : Wednesday, 19 October, 2016, 4:50pm

In the last week Chen Zuoer, the former deputy director of the Hong Kong and Macau Affairs Office, blamed Hong Kong’s troubles on the city’s failure to “decolonize.” Never fear, Chen Zuoer! We’ve got some suggestions to help speed the process along. 

Fix Hong Kong foodstuffs. 

The city is rightly proud of its cuisine, but we’ll never truly become a GENUINE third-tier Chinese city until we renounce decadent foreign influences on our comestibles and go back to all abalone, all the time. Therefore the following changes will be made to every cha chaan teng menu, effective October 1:

‘Milk tea’ will henceforth become known as ‘tea.’ 
‘French toast’         “          “            “           ‘toast.’
‘Spam & egg macaroni’     “    “    ‘an empty bowl.’

Convert David Tang.

It’s common knowledge that David Tang is the city’s biggest Anglophile. Convert him from his Earl Grey-swilling ways back to the delights of oolong and institutional corruption and he’ll probably bring half of the SAR with him. The downside here is that you would have to spend at least a week hanging out with David Tang, which isn’t a fate we’d wish even on ex-Hong Kong and Macau Affairs Office deputy director Chen Zuoer. 

De-Colon-Ize.

Remove the stick embedded in the alimentary canal of Chen Zuoer, once of the Hong Kong and Macau Affairs Office, and we’ll be guaranteed a more free-flowing mainland-Hong Kong relationship. 

Recolonize.

In an elaborate scheme concocted by Chen Zuoer, former semi-head-honcho in the Hong Kong and Macau Affairs Office, the whole of Hong Kong will wake up one morning to discover that it is once again a colony of the United Kingdom, the last outpost of the British Empire. Given that under British rule a lack of universal suffrage was widely accepted, Hongkongers will be far happier to accept edicts passed down from on high, even if they find it curious that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II has decided to ditch English as an official language and become quite keen on red flags, anti-sedition legislation and maotai.

Remove all traces of Western influence.

If you want a job done, do it properly. Instantly remove:

  • All financial and logistical infrastructure.
  • All interesting architecture.
  • All three branches of government.
  • The Hong Kong Club.

In other words: Just turn it into Zhuhai.

Screw it, wipe Hong Kong off the face of the earth. 

It’d be faster. And it’s probably the only thing that will bring a smile to the face of Chen Zuoer, that guy who used to be kind of important in the Hong Kong and Macau Affairs Office.