The Hong Kong National Party Manifesto
Hong Kong’s messed up system gave birth to a new political party this week: The Hong Kong National Party. A localist party formed to advocate for the city’s independence, the HKNP says that it refuses to acknowledge the Basic Law as valid. We were rooting in the bins round the back of their offices and found a scrap of what we’re pretty sure is a draft of their manifesto…
PEOPLE OF HONG KONG!
For too long, this city’s inhabitants have suffered under the crushing regime of whoever happened to be in charge at the time.
Year after year, we have been crushed: First under the boot of the imperialist British, and now by our mainland masters.
But today, we say to you: NO MORE!
NO MORE to a reliance on the mainland!
NO MORE to their money and investment!
NO MORE will we crawl to their trough for our every need.
Enough is enough! I say to you, it is time to fly the nest!
It is time to strike out on our own, as America did before us!
It is time for independence!
It is time to forge all-new trade agreements for basic necessities to ship in water, gas, food, electricity and daily essentials from overseas, because when we split from China they are NOT gonna like us!
It is time to spend billions on armaments and training to develop an effective military to defend ourselves, because again China’s not going to be in a very good mood with us!
It is time to search for a leader with even half a percentage point of aptitude, who could run a country, when we’re struggling to keep our heads above water! And we’d better not look to our closest Asian neighbor for help!
It is time to build an enormous wall along the Shenzhen border, just to show those Chinese with whom we are ethnically and culturally almost identical who’s boss!
It worked for Berlin in the Cold War, and it can work for us!
So I say to you: vote for the Hong Kong National Party!
And remember our proud party slogan: We’re the best option available to you right now! Probably!