Hong Kong, Cream Yourself: All the Cosmetics We Need After Lancome's Denise Ho Row
International cosmetics brand Lancôme made the news when it dropped local pro-democracy singer Denise Ho, aka HOCC, from a brand promotion concert in the city following protests and a threatened product boycott from mainland netizens. This has in turn sparked protests and threats of a boycott in Hong Kong. Amid the controversy we see an opportunity for the perfect Hong Kong beauty line—in stores this week.
Super SAR Serum
This refined blend uplifts and revitalizes your loyalty to the powers that be, cutting away unsightly idealism.
Bad Decision Essence Cream
Distilled product that allows you to outrage most of Asia while sitting in company HQ thinking, “What the hell did I do?”
Buy one get one at all Maxim’s restaurants. Nice.
Read More: Watch: "Lancome, Go to Hell," Says Hong Kong Politician After Denise Ho Row
Read More: Denise Ho Dropped from Gig After Lancôme Bows to Online Pressure
Literally bleach, to be applied liberally to the skin in hopes of whitening it. This product is currently under review and its creators under arrest.
Ancient Restore and Revive Formula
Necromantic phial which will recall from the dead a Chinese state leader of your choice. Use with caution. For sale in Hong Kong only.
The People’s Placenta
Placenta pills are all the rage these days, because they are said to boost a mother’s postpartum experience. This pill, harvested from the placentas of all mainland mothers, will soon have you thinking along more socially desirable lines.
There are already products on sale in Hong Kong which claim to enlarge your breasts. This product is just rebranded, calorie-packed beer which is sure to increase the size of your moobs.
Pro-Dem Transformer Eyedrops
Distilled from the sweat of the DAB’s most prominent campaigners, just two drops in the eyes of any pro-democracy campaigner will immediately have them seeing the world in a different, more pro-establishment light. Re-apply hourly or common sense may begin to reassert itself.
Just a Big Ol’ Stick of Ginseng
No one really knows what it does. But you can charge a lot for it, so that’ll be $8,888, please.