Rrr-rant: it's 'walkies', not 'wheelies'
Boosh, the pooch
We are dogs and we have legs. Most of us have four. Our legs have paws - similar to your feet, but with squishy pads underneath.
They're far superior. You could say Mother Nature gave us our own super-sneakers. They allow us to walk quite comfortably indeed. And we like to walk - we really do. We like to run, too. Some of my brothers like to chase things. I like to as well, but that's another story. We also like to roam, jump, dig, bark and fart.
We like to please you. And we're always in the mood to please when we're happy, farting, walking dogs. So I must ask: what's with the wheels, people? Why do you think we need a doggie pram?
We're not babies.
Sure, some of us can ride a skateboard, but that's just for fun. We certainly don't need a chauffeur to roll us anywhere. We're pack animals. We enjoy a walk and a chat with our friends. Get a little dirty. Sniff a little butt. Chase a little cat.
We are descendants of the great grey wolf. Once, we were predators and scavengers, but you guys have made life too damn easy for us. We may enjoy your comfy sofa and a little roast chicken from time to time, but we still have a powerful natural instinct to do our own doggy things.
We simply don't belong in a pram. It's just not canine cool. Please lose the wheels and give us back our walks. You can trust us. We won't run away.
As told to Mark Peters